I'm getting bad at this

I keep forgetting to blog. I know that no one's day is incomplete without my blog. I'm not some literary genius that leaves my readers begging for more. But for posterity's sake I do feel like I should be a little better balanced on the ball, so to speak.

Things of recent importance:

School is going well. My Music Appreciation class was a complete nightmare, but I got out alive and with an A. The teacher was an awful and mean shrew, but she could not bring me down. I defeated the dragon! Now I am only in Comp II, Spanish II, and Computer Science. English and Spanish are in the bag, of course (knock on wood), but this Computer Science is kicking my behind. I am so not on this level of thinking. I'm not even in the same building, or the same town as these concepts for that matter. After I read my textbook or work on a project I honestly feel physically exhausted and stupid. If I pull a B out in this class it will be from my behind. I hope I can pull it off.

Also, in the world of academics, I have been invited to join Phi Theta Kappa (right?) and I think I am going to accept. I researched it extensively online and it gets really great reviews as being helpful to students and Alumni on many levels. I'm going for it. I'm a natural joiner and participator anyway.

In bigger news:

My baby is ONE! I can't even understand or comprehend that it has been an entire year since I was laid up in the hospital hallucinating cardboard cutouts of women and hyperventillating from a bad pain med reaction. I cannot fathom that it has been a whole year since I undressed nervously in the delivery room bathroom and looked at my big baby belly for the last time. I am reflecting back on those little memories when my life was so drastically changed in one weekend.

They tell you a baby changes everything, and of course it makes complete sense. But you cannot fully understand what that means until it happens. I had a gradual 9 months to get used to the idea of being a mother, of loving someone more than anyone in the world, of putting my needs on the back burner. But even these things are magnified ten-fold when they slop that messy baby on your chest and you see the face you have been longing to gaze upon for 40 weeks. This little person is entirely yours for better or worse, and you are so blessed whether you know it or not. He changed me. I am hardly anything like the girl I was before I gave birth. Sure, I was 24 and a respected professional adult. But I do not feel like I became a woman until I became someone's mother.

He has changed my priorities. He has changed my relationships to my parents and my boyfriend/his father. He has changed my spiritual point of view. He has changed how I deal with problems, what I think is worth fretting over and what I no longer think is such a big deal. He has changed my set of friends, my maturity level, my tolerance for others, and even my body. Nothing is the same. And I'm okay with that.

I won't lie. There are days that I wish I could go back to everything being about me. There are times when my friends are out having a blast and doing what I had intended on doing during this phase of my life that I mourn the loss of fun, careless nights. I feel guilty when I feel this way, and that's normal. I don't regret having my son, and those pangs of regret that pop up are completely drowned out by the song of his laughter.

My son. He is everything I never knew I always wanted. He is everything I needed. I realize now that these years are going to pass by all too quickly. I wish I could bask in his innocent smile and bright, amazed eyes for all of eternity. But I know that I cannot. Instead I will record these thoughts that I might remember to cherish every moment, good or bad. Even when I am tearing my hair out, exhausted and sick of him, I hope that I remember that one day he will not be my little man. He will be a college student, a professional, a husband, a father, and I will not be the person he comes home to anymore.

For now, though, he makes me feel like life is perfect even when it is so very flawed.

Just musing

     Most of the time when I finish watching a movie I wish it could keep on going so I would know exactly what happens to all the characters fo rthe rest of forever. Seldomn do movies go that far, and when they do it can be traumatic, like Immortal Beloved. However, I just feel like I need all these loose ends to be tied that most movie-makers leave dangling uselessly as the credits begin to roll. I was especially thinking of this while I watched My Girl 1 and 2 on Saturday.
     When I was a kid My Girl was one of my favorite movies, and Veda my favorite character of all times. I think she ranks pretty high to this day. I was just like her at that age, full of spunk and tenacity, wise beyond my years. I wanted to be her, and mostly I was. People would even tell me I looked like "the little girl from My Girl", and that was perhaps the best compliment my 7 year old ears had ever heard. With so much potential, there was no doubt in my mind that Veda would be going places and I would be trotting along behind her, eagerly awaiting the next adventure. But there never was a My Girl 3, and maybe I can blame that fact on losing my way. For even a headstrong girl with such radiance needs encouragement and a firm hand to guide her along the rougher terrain.
     So maybe it's better that they didn't make a third. Because for all we know, Nick (My Girl 2 love interest) could have convinced Veda to move to California where she fell in with the wrong crowd. She might have started off right, but some whim (as often comes to girls of our nature) probably pulled her off the Ivy League path toward some uncertain adventure. Before she can blink twice she's down to her elbows in soapy dishes and up to her ears with regret, listening to a crying baby in the background and staring listelessly out the window wondering if Nick will even be home tonight. What-Might-Have and What-Should-Have-Been are relentlessly gnawing at her ankles and whispering their angry, hateful words behind her back.
      I suppose Hollywood-Folk know that movie magic can only take you so far before the characters must be thrown into the real world, and that rarely makes for a heart-warming story. Still, I can't help but wonder if somewhere out in Movieland Veda is living the life of our childhood dreams, or suffering a fate similar to the rest of us. I'm not sure which outcome would make me feel better.

Back into high gear

Spring semester is finally underway. I was beginning to feel useless again, but I am back in class and have returned to my element. I'm taking Comp II with the same great professor I had for Comp I. This time it's a full term class, so it won't be so much work all at one time. My other classes are Computer Science (lame), Music Appreciation (unsure of the level of lame), and Spanish 2001 and 2002. The latter three classes are half term, so there is quite a bit going on. The Spanish is a little over my head, but as my memory jogs with each assignment I see some improvement. I just need to pass with an A, is that so much to ask of myself? I wasn't eligible for Hope Scholarship this semester. My GPA is back up, but I haven't attempted enough credit hours since I lost it. My finaid advisor told me I can get it next semester, which will be awesome!

I am so proud of this next bit of news. Christopher is now enrolled in Darton as well! His major is Health and Physical Education. For those of you that know him, is it not a great career choice for him? He'll get to play all day long! Plus, we might be able to one day get a job at the same school, making life easier. See how we plan? Genius! He will be starting half-time on March 4th, so everyone wish him luck. I think he is a bit nervous.

I have started an event coordinator business. It's unofficial at this point, but I did have my first event last weekend. It was so great. I did a studio/gallery opening for Ana Edwards Photography. She bought a new place, and it is GORGEOUS! Seriously, check it out. It's located on 109 Branchview in Leesburg, GA. The party was a hit, and I met a lot of really great people. I had a blast. Even if I hadn't been the coordinator I probably would have gone and had so much fun. I made some KILLER double lemon cookies. I mean Betty Crocker herself would have been jealous at my mad skills. Anyway, my business is Elegant Events, and I truly am the best. Hire me. Tell your friends. You will not be disappointed. I really should make a facebook for it in order to network a little. Maybe that can happen this weekend. I'm a busy bee!

Gavin is back in daycare. He is now 10 months old and such a big boy! He eats generally what we eat every night. Last night we had sloppy joes and the night before was shepherd's pie. He makes a HUGE mess, but he's learning! Tonight we're having ribeyes and twice baked potatoes so he'll have to eat some Gerber Stage 3 unfortunately... but I'm sure I will sneak him some potato. He has 4 teeth, the bottom middle 2, and now the canines... it's pretty funny. My little vampire man!!! I'll get some pictures up soon. Well, I'm sure there's something else I ought to be doing. Bye for now.

I dont even know

Sometimes I just need to scream.
This restlessness is killing me.

For once, I'd like to do something for me and not feel guilty.
How can I please everyone while finding my own happiness?
It's proving an impossibility.

How selfish am I? And is it even wrong to feel this way?

My insides are in so many knots I don't know if I could ever untwist them.

Sometimes I just need to scream.
Restlessness. It's killing me.

And so this is Christmas

Okay, so it's technically not Christmas anymore. But this is my Christmas post.

This year was great in ways I didn't expect. I allowed myself to get into the Christmas spirit more than I have in a while. Yes, I know Jesus is the reason for the season. Spare me. There is still something to be said for the romance of Christmas, and I felt it this time around. I enjoyed shopping (which I generally do), but I could not wait for people to open my gifts. I had so much fun decorating the house (or telling Christopher how to decorate, anyway). I baked and wrapped and cooked my way into a sparkling, jingling Christmassy mood.
I got so many great gifts, really couldn't have asked for anything else. It was Gavin's first Christmas and I think that was the best part. Maybe that's why it was so excellent. I'm not sure. I have a little family, and that makes the season brighter.
But of course, I rarely blog because my world is sitting in perfection. No, I blog when something is on my mind.  I was scrolling through a million pages of statuses on Facebook and stumbled across pictures from my different families. After being on a yuletide high the last two days I suddenly lost my helium. My heart aches in longing for the other people I used to share my life with. I miss the people I grew up with around this time more than any other. Sometimes it hits me that they are having the time of their lives without a second thought toward my absence. As much as they might deny it, I know it's true. Anyway, its the one dark spot during this festive time of year. I miss. It hurts. It's the Tatros, the Lavertues, the Snyders, and all my friends. I can't help but be sad and feel like something is missing.

Maybe we can all move to a middle-ground. Virginia maybe.

Schoooool's out for... winter...

I successfully completed a semester of college! That may not sound very exciting, or like a huge accomplishment, but I am still proud. Especially considering I have been in college a totally of 2 years and have only just now finished my 2nd semester. On top of that, my lowest grade was a 96. Yes, I am awesome. Go on, you can say so.
Next semester will definitely be a challenge. I have 5 classes, 3 of which are accelerated. I know I can do it though. If I can get through finals week with a crazy baby I can get through a regular week.
Christmas is approaching, and I must say I have done an excellent job with my shopping. I am just about done. I have like two or three people left, including Christopher. I already know what I am getting everyone though. Despite my usual blue hue around the holidays, I am getting into the spirit a little more than usual. I even discovered a homemade gift I plan to give everyone.

It's called snowman soup. Feel free to steal this idea! Just give me the credit for the poem.
Just take a little plastic baggie and fill with either one packet of hot cocoa mix or enough scoops from a big container to make one cup. Add mini marshmallows or 3 big ones, a few chocolate chips, and bits of candycane or just a peppermint stick poking out of the top of the bag. Then twist tie and decorate with ribbons. Attach the poem with the ribbon and viola! Instant gift. I'm also tying chocolate dipped spoons to mine. Here is the poem. I made it red and green and picked a cute font.

Here’s a little secret, the North Pole inside scoop:


When snowmen become naughty they make them into soup.

Now, don’t feel sad and don’t you pout. These snowmen were quite scummy.

So just enjoy this holiday treat. It’s sure to warm the tummy.

Just boil some water (8-10 oz), mix in their parts, along with the chocolate broth.

Then stir it all up, drink it right down, and enjoy the marshmallow froth.

But remember, the next time you start misbehaving, this tasty snowman stew…
‘Cause Santa is watching your every move, and next year the soup could be you!

Am I so strong?

I can't understand a person that stays in a relationship with someone so beneath them. I know two very amazing people, like top ten faves, that are with these awful, leeching idiots who don't even deserve to know these people , let along be romantically (or whatever) involved with them. These people that I love pour their devotion into a relationship with a disgusting, lowly scum of a person.... and I am just confused.

Someone please explain to me how someone can allow himself to be brought to the very bottom of dispair and self-loathing by someone who is suppose to love him, when I know that he is one of the most amazing people on earth? How can you let someone do this to you? Wasn't there a point along the way where you could have said, "Wait, I deserve better than this"? Is there ever a time that you think that maybe it's NOT you? Why don't you think you deserve happiness? I can't understand. Most women would give anything to meet a man like you, and here you are with a woman who takes your charm and genius for granted. She does not appreciate you. She does not deserve your love. I see her in public, and I apologize, but I can barely look at her. It takes so much for me to be friendly, when all I want to do is grab her by the shoulders and shake her while screaming, "YOU ARE SO LUCKY!" The unwaivering devotion she receives is something that women look for their whole lives, and most never find it. She is supposed to get excited when you come home, and lose her breath a little when you call. She is supposed to fall into your embrace after a bad day, and run to you when anything exciting, happy, sad, scary, or fun happens. She is supposed to thank God for you every night before she sleeps. These are the things you deserve. These are the things that we all deserve (only I'd like mine from a man please!). See through your self-hatred, and realize that YOU are the prize to be won!

Then there is this beautiful, intelligent, loving woman I know. And here she is, caught up with a troll not worth the time of a disease-ridden dog to stop and piss upon. If I have ever come close to hating someone, it's this guy. During extremely rough times in my life this girl has been there. In fact, she's been the one constant friend I have had since I met her in elementary school. I love her with all my heart. I would kill for her, and he should be scared. He disgusts me in ways I can not even describe. My vocabulary just isn't big enough to find a word to explain it. My nostrils flare and my jaw clenches just thinking about this waste of life. My friend is so wonderful, and apparently she doesn't know it... because how can someone so strong and smart think that they deserve to be with a 4 foot tall, ugly, stupid alcoholic that thinks it's okay to lay a hand on a woman in anger? Please, tell me how it's possible? He is not worthy to clean the toilet with his tongue after she's used it to rid herself of a day-old bean burrito. People like him should be drug into the streets and publicly flogged with a splintering, moldy 2x4.

I just can't figure it out. It makes my head spin so hard and fast that my words are getting lost. Seriously, this blog sounds like it was written by a half-wit middle schooler. I want to march right into these people's lives and clean out the wretchedness, by any means necessary. I want them to know how great they are and how much happier they could be without these cancerous relationships. I want to save them. Maybe they are the ones that need the shaking and the screaming. Maybe there is no helping them at all. I'm frustrated.