I can't understand a person that stays in a relationship with someone so beneath them. I know two very amazing people, like top ten faves, that are with these awful, leeching idiots who don't even deserve to know these people , let along be romantically (or whatever) involved with them. These people that I love pour their devotion into a relationship with a disgusting, lowly scum of a person.... and I am just confused.
Someone please explain to me how someone can allow himself to be brought to the very bottom of dispair and self-loathing by someone who is suppose to love him, when I know that he is one of the most amazing people on earth? How can you let someone do this to you? Wasn't there a point along the way where you could have said, "Wait, I deserve better than this"? Is there ever a time that you think that maybe it's NOT you? Why don't you think you deserve happiness? I can't understand. Most women would give anything to meet a man like you, and here you are with a woman who takes your charm and genius for granted. She does not appreciate you. She does not deserve your love. I see her in public, and I apologize, but I can barely look at her. It takes so much for me to be friendly, when all I want to do is grab her by the shoulders and shake her while screaming, "YOU ARE SO LUCKY!" The unwaivering devotion she receives is something that women look for their whole lives, and most never find it. She is supposed to get excited when you come home, and lose her breath a little when you call. She is supposed to fall into your embrace after a bad day, and run to you when anything exciting, happy, sad, scary, or fun happens. She is supposed to thank God for you every night before she sleeps. These are the things you deserve. These are the things that we all deserve (only I'd like mine from a man please!). See through your self-hatred, and realize that YOU are the prize to be won!
Then there is this beautiful, intelligent, loving woman I know. And here she is, caught up with a troll not worth the time of a disease-ridden dog to stop and piss upon. If I have ever come close to hating someone, it's this guy. During extremely rough times in my life this girl has been there. In fact, she's been the one constant friend I have had since I met her in elementary school. I love her with all my heart. I would kill for her, and he should be scared. He disgusts me in ways I can not even describe. My vocabulary just isn't big enough to find a word to explain it. My nostrils flare and my jaw clenches just thinking about this waste of life. My friend is so wonderful, and apparently she doesn't know it... because how can someone so strong and smart think that they deserve to be with a 4 foot tall, ugly, stupid alcoholic that thinks it's okay to lay a hand on a woman in anger? Please, tell me how it's possible? He is not worthy to clean the toilet with his tongue after she's used it to rid herself of a day-old bean burrito. People like him should be drug into the streets and publicly flogged with a splintering, moldy 2x4.
I just can't figure it out. It makes my head spin so hard and fast that my words are getting lost. Seriously, this blog sounds like it was written by a half-wit middle schooler. I want to march right into these people's lives and clean out the wretchedness, by any means necessary. I want them to know how great they are and how much happier they could be without these cancerous relationships. I want to save them. Maybe they are the ones that need the shaking and the screaming. Maybe there is no helping them at all. I'm frustrated.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Still so many issues
I'm sitting here watching the locator at 24 years old and crying like the confused little girl I still am. This daughter wanted to reconnect with her father, and he reminds me of mine. Scratch that, the situation reminds me of mine. I don't want to get into it all again, but I have to get it out, and my blog is where I do it!
I can't explain the episode without sounding accusatory, and I really want to be past that point. It just really hit me listening to this man recount his relationship to Troy (the host). He doesn't own that he wasn't there. It's obviously a defense mechanism, but he has told himself so many other stories over the years that he doesn't know what is what anymore. Finally, after listening to him pass the buck and place the responsibility on his daughter to continue the relationship after minimal effort on his part Troy lets into him.
It has been a while since I tried to have a serious conversation with my father. It's easier on both of us if I just leave it alone. But in my mind it is never left alone. Troy said, "I don't know about this. He blames everyone else, and doesn't own his leaving." Own it. That's all it would take. I think. I want to believe this. He went on to say, "I don't want to be a jerk, but someone needs to be honest with you. You need to take ownership of the fact that you weren't there and stop placing the blame on other people and situations. You need to keep your opinions of what happened back then because these people are still in her life and she loves them. They have been there for her. You will say so much with 5 words - I love you, I'm sorry." This line was my undoing.
That is all I have ever wanted, not a recounting of events nor a book of excuses. I just want my pain to be validated. I want to know that he knows he messed up, and that he is sorry... not for the missed years or the lost time, but actually sorry for not wanting me... for not being there or making any gesture to try to be for so long. Ownership. I know there were choices to be made and complicated circumstances, but why didn't his love transcend all that? It should have. Troy said, "As a parent you should have set aside your dreams for your daughter, but it seems you set your daughter aside for your dreams." YES! Someone that understands!
Why can't I just let it go? It would be so much easier. I thought I had until this stupid WE tv show stirred it all up. I can't just accept it the way it is, but I do for my son. I don't want to deny him the relationship with my father the way I was denied it. I want to rise above my own bitterness. Why is it so difficult? People who don't know how it feels tell me all the time to get over it, work on the present. You don't get it. It hurts so bad. Every relationship I have had has been affected. Every rejection has hurt that much worse. Honestly, I disgust myself. I know that I shouldn't put so much stock into this, but I can't help it.
I'm so angry... and sad.... and heartbroken... and I now know that the hurt will never go away. I keep thinking that if I hear him say, "I'm sorry. I messed up. I didn't want you, because my life would have been way more difficult than I could have handled." without any 'but' or 'however' attached that every painful wound will magically heal. It won't. What to do?
Stop crying, little girl. Stop basing your worth on one man's rejection. Stop feeling like his opinion matters so much more than the hundreds that loved you your whole childhood. Easy to say. Impossible to do.
She told him, "You don't know how much it's hurt". He said, "Yes, I do." No. No, you do not. You can never know.
I can't explain the episode without sounding accusatory, and I really want to be past that point. It just really hit me listening to this man recount his relationship to Troy (the host). He doesn't own that he wasn't there. It's obviously a defense mechanism, but he has told himself so many other stories over the years that he doesn't know what is what anymore. Finally, after listening to him pass the buck and place the responsibility on his daughter to continue the relationship after minimal effort on his part Troy lets into him.
It has been a while since I tried to have a serious conversation with my father. It's easier on both of us if I just leave it alone. But in my mind it is never left alone. Troy said, "I don't know about this. He blames everyone else, and doesn't own his leaving." Own it. That's all it would take. I think. I want to believe this. He went on to say, "I don't want to be a jerk, but someone needs to be honest with you. You need to take ownership of the fact that you weren't there and stop placing the blame on other people and situations. You need to keep your opinions of what happened back then because these people are still in her life and she loves them. They have been there for her. You will say so much with 5 words - I love you, I'm sorry." This line was my undoing.
That is all I have ever wanted, not a recounting of events nor a book of excuses. I just want my pain to be validated. I want to know that he knows he messed up, and that he is sorry... not for the missed years or the lost time, but actually sorry for not wanting me... for not being there or making any gesture to try to be for so long. Ownership. I know there were choices to be made and complicated circumstances, but why didn't his love transcend all that? It should have. Troy said, "As a parent you should have set aside your dreams for your daughter, but it seems you set your daughter aside for your dreams." YES! Someone that understands!
Why can't I just let it go? It would be so much easier. I thought I had until this stupid WE tv show stirred it all up. I can't just accept it the way it is, but I do for my son. I don't want to deny him the relationship with my father the way I was denied it. I want to rise above my own bitterness. Why is it so difficult? People who don't know how it feels tell me all the time to get over it, work on the present. You don't get it. It hurts so bad. Every relationship I have had has been affected. Every rejection has hurt that much worse. Honestly, I disgust myself. I know that I shouldn't put so much stock into this, but I can't help it.
I'm so angry... and sad.... and heartbroken... and I now know that the hurt will never go away. I keep thinking that if I hear him say, "I'm sorry. I messed up. I didn't want you, because my life would have been way more difficult than I could have handled." without any 'but' or 'however' attached that every painful wound will magically heal. It won't. What to do?
Stop crying, little girl. Stop basing your worth on one man's rejection. Stop feeling like his opinion matters so much more than the hundreds that loved you your whole childhood. Easy to say. Impossible to do.
She told him, "You don't know how much it's hurt". He said, "Yes, I do." No. No, you do not. You can never know.
Friday, November 20, 2009
So much catching up
I'm not one of those people who finds some kind of spirituality in the rising sun, but this morning I found a simple serenity in the changing colors on the horizon. Today, looking at the light spreading upward as I drove back home, I realized that everything is right in my world. What a wonderful epiphany! I have gotten so used to being my normal brooding, angsty self that I completely missed the transition from wanting more to having it. Today is an awesome day, and I am thanking the Lord profusely for all that I have (and begging forgiveness for not doing so sooner).
School is winding down for the semester, and I am truly in my element. I LOVE learning. My favorite class is English, of course. My professor is an awesome person, and I feel an almost kindred connection, though we have never met. Allow me to swallow my pride for a moment with a nod to my mother; I have actually become a better writer in taking this course. She is always nagging me, saying that if I do not feed my talent it will not grow. OKAY MOM! You were right! (As usual...Whatever).
I also find myself reallly enjoying my Environmental Science course. I think it's turning me into a tree-hugger. I am wasting less water, shutting lights, and even made Christopher buy the eco-friendlier dishwasher detergent. Oh yes, Mother Nature and I are becoming fast friends! I have all A's right now in all my classes, 94 and better. Who knew I was such a freakin' genius? (Oh wait, I totally did.) Perhaps I should work on my humilty... then again, being so awesome negates the need to be humble.
Let's see... what else is new? Gavin was a frog for Halloween and I was a cat. Turns out, my costume was pretty slutty looking. I did not intend for this to happen. Apparently, a black tank top and big boobs coupled with kitty ears and a tail just screams skank. However, I did not leave the house, so it was acceptable. Gavin was so cute I coud barely stand it. I'd post a picture, but they're on my facebook. Go look.
I got a GIGANITIC tattoo. Right? So uncharacteristic of the Courtney, but I did it. It is located in the middle of my shoulder blades, a HUGENORMOUS ornate cross that I designed with the help of the tattoo artist. On one side it says "Lexi", and on the other "HRL" for my grandfather. Morbidly, I plan to fill in other names and initials along the border as my loved ones leave me. It's the only way I know to grieve, to feel some physical pain... that may not be healthy. Perhaps I should be evaluated...
I turned 24 on November 10th. Normally, I'm pretty excited when my birthday rolls around. After all, it's a day dedicated to me. Being an attention whore, I really can't ask for much more. Unfortunately, this year I was just painfully reminded of how I used to have a lot of friends, and now I don't. I know it is in part to my having a child. Most of my friends are still living it up, irresponsible style. And while they love to come squeeze my chunky lil man every so often, it is no longer Courtney that they call on Friday nights.... or any night for that matter. While this is a large blow to the ego for someone who, a short time ago, fully believed the world was spinning solely for her, I understand. Still hurts though. Anyway, about a year ago I weeded out all those crappy, fair-weather friends and on November 10th I remembered why. I do not have time for people who do not have time for me. I will not waste my already taxed energy supply on those who will not give any of themselves to me. Forget it. Call me a bitch, snob, pretentious, self-absorbed. I am these things on the surface... but I am also a good and loyal friend. And you people know this. And now you will also know that you don't deserve this unconditional love, so since I can't take it back I will just distance myself and love you from afar. So there!
Thanksgiving is less than a week away, and so begins my winter blues. Thankfully, it's been pretty chilly here, so I can pretend I'm at home if I close my eyes. It doesn't even smell the same, though. You know that fall smell, the leaves and the crisp air... yeah, we don't get that here. The leaves turn brown, not red and yellow. I'm going to get emotional if I think about it much longer. How I miss my Robert Frost-inspiring New England Autumns and Winters. Holidays are always hard when family is so far away. What is it about New England that gets into your soul? It's just in me. It's such a huge part of who I am. I'm a regionist! (Like a racist, but weirder) Seriously... I am so off.
Well, I guess that's the long and short of it... mostly long. I can't think of much else exciting in my usually dull life. Things are good. I am happy. OH! We got our pictures done. I'll post the links so you can see. The second link is Gavin's Christmas pictures. It was for some store called Oh My! Kiddie Kouture. The woman had a huge store full of girls' clothes and like 4 items of boys clothes, nothing Christmas.... but he is still super cute. You'll have to weed through the little girls before him. He is on like page 15 and on, all mixed in. K, go look! Ana Edwards is SO amazing. Employ her for all your picture-y needs. This is the third time we've used her. Woman is a genius. (And she is a wonderful person)
Our family pictures
Christmas Themed
School is winding down for the semester, and I am truly in my element. I LOVE learning. My favorite class is English, of course. My professor is an awesome person, and I feel an almost kindred connection, though we have never met. Allow me to swallow my pride for a moment with a nod to my mother; I have actually become a better writer in taking this course. She is always nagging me, saying that if I do not feed my talent it will not grow. OKAY MOM! You were right! (As usual...Whatever).
I also find myself reallly enjoying my Environmental Science course. I think it's turning me into a tree-hugger. I am wasting less water, shutting lights, and even made Christopher buy the eco-friendlier dishwasher detergent. Oh yes, Mother Nature and I are becoming fast friends! I have all A's right now in all my classes, 94 and better. Who knew I was such a freakin' genius? (Oh wait, I totally did.) Perhaps I should work on my humilty... then again, being so awesome negates the need to be humble.
Let's see... what else is new? Gavin was a frog for Halloween and I was a cat. Turns out, my costume was pretty slutty looking. I did not intend for this to happen. Apparently, a black tank top and big boobs coupled with kitty ears and a tail just screams skank. However, I did not leave the house, so it was acceptable. Gavin was so cute I coud barely stand it. I'd post a picture, but they're on my facebook. Go look.
I got a GIGANITIC tattoo. Right? So uncharacteristic of the Courtney, but I did it. It is located in the middle of my shoulder blades, a HUGENORMOUS ornate cross that I designed with the help of the tattoo artist. On one side it says "Lexi", and on the other "HRL" for my grandfather. Morbidly, I plan to fill in other names and initials along the border as my loved ones leave me. It's the only way I know to grieve, to feel some physical pain... that may not be healthy. Perhaps I should be evaluated...
I turned 24 on November 10th. Normally, I'm pretty excited when my birthday rolls around. After all, it's a day dedicated to me. Being an attention whore, I really can't ask for much more. Unfortunately, this year I was just painfully reminded of how I used to have a lot of friends, and now I don't. I know it is in part to my having a child. Most of my friends are still living it up, irresponsible style. And while they love to come squeeze my chunky lil man every so often, it is no longer Courtney that they call on Friday nights.... or any night for that matter. While this is a large blow to the ego for someone who, a short time ago, fully believed the world was spinning solely for her, I understand. Still hurts though. Anyway, about a year ago I weeded out all those crappy, fair-weather friends and on November 10th I remembered why. I do not have time for people who do not have time for me. I will not waste my already taxed energy supply on those who will not give any of themselves to me. Forget it. Call me a bitch, snob, pretentious, self-absorbed. I am these things on the surface... but I am also a good and loyal friend. And you people know this. And now you will also know that you don't deserve this unconditional love, so since I can't take it back I will just distance myself and love you from afar. So there!
Thanksgiving is less than a week away, and so begins my winter blues. Thankfully, it's been pretty chilly here, so I can pretend I'm at home if I close my eyes. It doesn't even smell the same, though. You know that fall smell, the leaves and the crisp air... yeah, we don't get that here. The leaves turn brown, not red and yellow. I'm going to get emotional if I think about it much longer. How I miss my Robert Frost-inspiring New England Autumns and Winters. Holidays are always hard when family is so far away. What is it about New England that gets into your soul? It's just in me. It's such a huge part of who I am. I'm a regionist! (Like a racist, but weirder) Seriously... I am so off.
Well, I guess that's the long and short of it... mostly long. I can't think of much else exciting in my usually dull life. Things are good. I am happy. OH! We got our pictures done. I'll post the links so you can see. The second link is Gavin's Christmas pictures. It was for some store called Oh My! Kiddie Kouture. The woman had a huge store full of girls' clothes and like 4 items of boys clothes, nothing Christmas.... but he is still super cute. You'll have to weed through the little girls before him. He is on like page 15 and on, all mixed in. K, go look! Ana Edwards is SO amazing. Employ her for all your picture-y needs. This is the third time we've used her. Woman is a genius. (And she is a wonderful person)
Our family pictures
Christmas Themed
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