A Million Racing Thoughts

Forgive me if I overwhelm you with the thoughts I can't seem to control. Apology aside, here they come...

On a light note, school has been in full swing for a couple weeks and it is killing! There is more work than I could conceivably complete (as I sit here typing a blog), but I'm really loving the challenge. I've done well on all of my assignments thus far, but I have a test today and the material is very broad. It hasn't been easy to study for. It's almost like you have to be in the professor's mind to get what he is trying to say... not the best at giving enough information to properly answer the question with confidence. During the quiz I found myself putting in an answer with the thought "Is this what you're talking about?" Nevertheless, I have studied and I hope I do well!

Gavin is doing well in daycare. They really love him! He is one of the favorites of all the ladies. And who could blame them?! I'm glad there's no separation anxienty... well, on his part anyway. I miss him like crazy! My only consolation is that he gets so excited when I come to pick him up. I wonder if he remembers me when I'm not there. I wonder if he has the capacity to think about me and be like "Hey where is that lady?" He doesn't seem to miss me. He is just happy to see me when I show up.

The trip to Vermont and Massachusetts helped quell the feeling of homesickness for about 3 weeks. It's been slowly seeping back in, toward the end of the day or in quiet moments. In a few months it will, again, be all I can think about. It's especially bad around the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas as definitely New England holidays. Nobody does it better! I want to go outside after a big meal, and freeze my butt off while I watch my family playing football or smashing through piles of leaves. I want to see my breath on Halloween! (Although the weather in GA has been very "Fall" lately) I miss the smells of Autumn. I miss the static in my sweaters telling me there's frost on the grass. I miss warming the car up for ten minutes before I dare go out. It's the little things you remember. That's what becomes important when you don't have them...the crunch of snow grinding under your boots, or wet red and yellow leaves along the curbs of every street. I miss picking apples, and then drinking hot cider with donuts to take the chill off. I miss trudging about, careful not to get snow in my shoes. I even miss having skin so dry I look as though I could molt! No, Fall and Winter are just not the same when September feels like May and I'm wearing flipflops in October. I don't even think I own any socks!

Okay so here is the more morbid of my thoughts. Driving back from the daycare this morning Lexi suddenly entered my mind in a sharp and vivid way that made my heart skip for a moment. I have trouble putting into words exactly how clear she was in that instant. It was like watching a home movie. There was no story line, no scene, just her smiling and laughing... and it hurt. But it made me smile through the tears I did not expect to spring forth. I sure do miss that girl. I sure do love her. And I sure wish I could tell her in a more physical way. Only in dreams...
Anyway, then I was spiraled into thought about the rest of my Tatros. I can't lose another one, especially now that I've gotten so much closer. What would I do, I thought, if I got news that Shannon or Erica, Lisa or Desirae had been killed? It made me panic a little to think of such things. I know I shouldn't. I had a sudden sense of urgency to see them all. I did a little facebook stalking, which made me feel better. I just wish I was closer. I can't say it enough.

Ode to the Italian Loaf

O Italian Loaf of Bread, fresh from the bakery, you are a culinary materpiece.
Your steamy, moist interior is only rivaled in succulence by your chewy, mouth-watering crust.
I lose civility and tear off a hefty portion with my overeager hands, but careful not to crush your tender middle!
You are light, by the standards of breads, but fill me with the sustenance I am craving.
Other foods pass through my mind, but none are so perfect as you, Italian Loaf.
Your decadence lies in your simplicity, a true indulgence.
I do not need spreads or dressings, for you are a wonderful delicacy without any fancy trimmings to mask your pristine flavors.
My senses are overwhelmed with exploding pleasure as I chew and savor each bite.
Your doughy aroma mingles with that distinct texture and buttery taste in my delighted mouth.
What an undeserved treat, says my tongue with gratitudinous salivation.
It is in this moment I understand why the Lord Jesus would liken Himself to you. Each are filling, nourishing, untainted, flawless... no truer comparison can be made.
How obvious it now seems that He would choose to partake in sharing you at His last meal with those He dearly loved.
I am not so generous. Far be it from me to give you away. You are mine.
Italian Loaf, my heart sings praise to you.
There is nothing so superb, so divine.
Italian Loaf of Bread, fresh from the bakery. You are a culinary masterpiece.

Abandoning My Son

I feel like I am abandoning my poor Honey Sunshine. I have been researching daycares in the area, and tomorrow I am going to visit one that I was drawn to. On paper they sound great. There are multiple age-divided classes, and the infant room currently has only three other children with two staff members exclusive to the babies. It is a learning center, so they teach babies and preschool age kids to prepare them for school which is something I was looking for. They also offer hot lunch for when Gavin is older, and meals are designed by a nutritionist.
That's all great... but I feel like I am abandoning my poor Honey Sunshine, as I earlier stated. I know I have a valid reason for starting him in daycare. I'm taking 12 credits during b-term! I just found out that in the 8 weeks of school my history class requires twelve 4-6 page papers on top of the 5 exams during the course. That's only one class! I know I can't watch my super active baby and do well on these assignments. I don't want to stick him in his bouncer or jumperoo and go about my business. He needs stimulation.
I know it will be a good experience for him, but I fear that he will be confused as to why I am gone so much. I am afraid he will have a hard time adjusting to a new environment or even forget who I am! What if he likes the women at the daycare better than me?
I can't help but feel like a bad mother. I wish i could just keep him with me at all times. I know it's going to help me to be a better mother, because I can finish my degree quickly and get good grades without distraction. Then I will be able to get a job quickly, and make us some cash monies! Still, I am apprehensive. Words of wisdom are welcome at this time.

Busy Bees!

It's been a crazy week. We got home late on Tuesday night from Vermont, and the Gavin had a rough night. Wednesday we had family portraits done by Ana Edwards. I've only seen 5 of them, but they are amazing! I can't wait to get them back. Gavin was grmpy the whole time, so we didn't get as many of his as I would have liked. My mom had to take him inside and put him to sleep, but it was still a lot of fun and I know we got some great shots.
Thursday I went to Darton to register for classes. Stupid, vain Courtney wore heels! I walked all over the place since I had to park approximately 46 miles away from any building. I waited in an equally long line once inside the Administration building which lead to someone handing me a piece of paper allowing me to wait in another line. At the end of that line they signed the paper I was given in the first line, which then allowed me to walk across campus to a third line. Once I was assisted I was led down some hallways until finally I met someone who registered me for classes. It was quite a process! But finally, I am registered for 12 credit hours in the b-term, an academic suicide in some people's eyes. However, I need to go fulltime in order to get that unemployment check!
I'm also get a good amount back from Pell. Unfortunately, between books and daycare it's all gone. (PS I just realized my paragraphs are not separated at any logical point. Oh well!) Anyway, money money money. I hate it. I really wsh we could go back to a time when we traded goods or services. American money is essentially not worth the paper it's printed on, so why bother? I mean really think about the concept of money. It's paper... and we accept it in exchange for things that actually have value. Whose idea was this?! Even if our money was worth the gold it's supposed to represent, what is gold but metal rocks from the ground? Well, I dont want a heap of metal for what I have to offer. It's such a strange idea if you really think down into it. It's almost obsolete. That doesn't matter though, because we'll always be working for money and exchanging it for goods and services. Plus, I have no marketable skills to offer, and I don't raise livestock. I most certainly do not farm crops. So really, this is the only system I can work with. Forget everything I said. I don't want to trade goods... I have nothing to trade!
That's just about all the news in my world. I am finally a student! I ordered 3 books and already spent 100 bucks, but that's just the name of the game!