Sometimes I just need to scream.
This restlessness is killing me.
For once, I'd like to do something for me and not feel guilty.
How can I please everyone while finding my own happiness?
It's proving an impossibility.
How selfish am I? And is it even wrong to feel this way?
My insides are in so many knots I don't know if I could ever untwist them.
Sometimes I just need to scream.
Restlessness. It's killing me.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
And so this is Christmas
Okay, so it's technically not Christmas anymore. But this is my Christmas post.
This year was great in ways I didn't expect. I allowed myself to get into the Christmas spirit more than I have in a while. Yes, I know Jesus is the reason for the season. Spare me. There is still something to be said for the romance of Christmas, and I felt it this time around. I enjoyed shopping (which I generally do), but I could not wait for people to open my gifts. I had so much fun decorating the house (or telling Christopher how to decorate, anyway). I baked and wrapped and cooked my way into a sparkling, jingling Christmassy mood.
I got so many great gifts, really couldn't have asked for anything else. It was Gavin's first Christmas and I think that was the best part. Maybe that's why it was so excellent. I'm not sure. I have a little family, and that makes the season brighter.
But of course, I rarely blog because my world is sitting in perfection. No, I blog when something is on my mind. I was scrolling through a million pages of statuses on Facebook and stumbled across pictures from my different families. After being on a yuletide high the last two days I suddenly lost my helium. My heart aches in longing for the other people I used to share my life with. I miss the people I grew up with around this time more than any other. Sometimes it hits me that they are having the time of their lives without a second thought toward my absence. As much as they might deny it, I know it's true. Anyway, its the one dark spot during this festive time of year. I miss. It hurts. It's the Tatros, the Lavertues, the Snyders, and all my friends. I can't help but be sad and feel like something is missing.
Maybe we can all move to a middle-ground. Virginia maybe.
This year was great in ways I didn't expect. I allowed myself to get into the Christmas spirit more than I have in a while. Yes, I know Jesus is the reason for the season. Spare me. There is still something to be said for the romance of Christmas, and I felt it this time around. I enjoyed shopping (which I generally do), but I could not wait for people to open my gifts. I had so much fun decorating the house (or telling Christopher how to decorate, anyway). I baked and wrapped and cooked my way into a sparkling, jingling Christmassy mood.
I got so many great gifts, really couldn't have asked for anything else. It was Gavin's first Christmas and I think that was the best part. Maybe that's why it was so excellent. I'm not sure. I have a little family, and that makes the season brighter.
But of course, I rarely blog because my world is sitting in perfection. No, I blog when something is on my mind. I was scrolling through a million pages of statuses on Facebook and stumbled across pictures from my different families. After being on a yuletide high the last two days I suddenly lost my helium. My heart aches in longing for the other people I used to share my life with. I miss the people I grew up with around this time more than any other. Sometimes it hits me that they are having the time of their lives without a second thought toward my absence. As much as they might deny it, I know it's true. Anyway, its the one dark spot during this festive time of year. I miss. It hurts. It's the Tatros, the Lavertues, the Snyders, and all my friends. I can't help but be sad and feel like something is missing.
Maybe we can all move to a middle-ground. Virginia maybe.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Schoooool's out for... winter...
I successfully completed a semester of college! That may not sound very exciting, or like a huge accomplishment, but I am still proud. Especially considering I have been in college a totally of 2 years and have only just now finished my 2nd semester. On top of that, my lowest grade was a 96. Yes, I am awesome. Go on, you can say so.
Next semester will definitely be a challenge. I have 5 classes, 3 of which are accelerated. I know I can do it though. If I can get through finals week with a crazy baby I can get through a regular week.
Christmas is approaching, and I must say I have done an excellent job with my shopping. I am just about done. I have like two or three people left, including Christopher. I already know what I am getting everyone though. Despite my usual blue hue around the holidays, I am getting into the spirit a little more than usual. I even discovered a homemade gift I plan to give everyone.
It's called snowman soup. Feel free to steal this idea! Just give me the credit for the poem.
Just take a little plastic baggie and fill with either one packet of hot cocoa mix or enough scoops from a big container to make one cup. Add mini marshmallows or 3 big ones, a few chocolate chips, and bits of candycane or just a peppermint stick poking out of the top of the bag. Then twist tie and decorate with ribbons. Attach the poem with the ribbon and viola! Instant gift. I'm also tying chocolate dipped spoons to mine. Here is the poem. I made it red and green and picked a cute font.
Here’s a little secret, the North Pole inside scoop:
When snowmen become naughty they make them into soup.
Now, don’t feel sad and don’t you pout. These snowmen were quite scummy.
So just enjoy this holiday treat. It’s sure to warm the tummy.
Just boil some water (8-10 oz), mix in their parts, along with the chocolate broth.
Then stir it all up, drink it right down, and enjoy the marshmallow froth.
But remember, the next time you start misbehaving, this tasty snowman stew…
‘Cause Santa is watching your every move, and next year the soup could be you!
Next semester will definitely be a challenge. I have 5 classes, 3 of which are accelerated. I know I can do it though. If I can get through finals week with a crazy baby I can get through a regular week.
Christmas is approaching, and I must say I have done an excellent job with my shopping. I am just about done. I have like two or three people left, including Christopher. I already know what I am getting everyone though. Despite my usual blue hue around the holidays, I am getting into the spirit a little more than usual. I even discovered a homemade gift I plan to give everyone.
It's called snowman soup. Feel free to steal this idea! Just give me the credit for the poem.
Just take a little plastic baggie and fill with either one packet of hot cocoa mix or enough scoops from a big container to make one cup. Add mini marshmallows or 3 big ones, a few chocolate chips, and bits of candycane or just a peppermint stick poking out of the top of the bag. Then twist tie and decorate with ribbons. Attach the poem with the ribbon and viola! Instant gift. I'm also tying chocolate dipped spoons to mine. Here is the poem. I made it red and green and picked a cute font.
Here’s a little secret, the North Pole inside scoop:
When snowmen become naughty they make them into soup.
Now, don’t feel sad and don’t you pout. These snowmen were quite scummy.
So just enjoy this holiday treat. It’s sure to warm the tummy.
Just boil some water (8-10 oz), mix in their parts, along with the chocolate broth.
Then stir it all up, drink it right down, and enjoy the marshmallow froth.
But remember, the next time you start misbehaving, this tasty snowman stew…
‘Cause Santa is watching your every move, and next year the soup could be you!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Am I so strong?
I can't understand a person that stays in a relationship with someone so beneath them. I know two very amazing people, like top ten faves, that are with these awful, leeching idiots who don't even deserve to know these people , let along be romantically (or whatever) involved with them. These people that I love pour their devotion into a relationship with a disgusting, lowly scum of a person.... and I am just confused.
Someone please explain to me how someone can allow himself to be brought to the very bottom of dispair and self-loathing by someone who is suppose to love him, when I know that he is one of the most amazing people on earth? How can you let someone do this to you? Wasn't there a point along the way where you could have said, "Wait, I deserve better than this"? Is there ever a time that you think that maybe it's NOT you? Why don't you think you deserve happiness? I can't understand. Most women would give anything to meet a man like you, and here you are with a woman who takes your charm and genius for granted. She does not appreciate you. She does not deserve your love. I see her in public, and I apologize, but I can barely look at her. It takes so much for me to be friendly, when all I want to do is grab her by the shoulders and shake her while screaming, "YOU ARE SO LUCKY!" The unwaivering devotion she receives is something that women look for their whole lives, and most never find it. She is supposed to get excited when you come home, and lose her breath a little when you call. She is supposed to fall into your embrace after a bad day, and run to you when anything exciting, happy, sad, scary, or fun happens. She is supposed to thank God for you every night before she sleeps. These are the things you deserve. These are the things that we all deserve (only I'd like mine from a man please!). See through your self-hatred, and realize that YOU are the prize to be won!
Then there is this beautiful, intelligent, loving woman I know. And here she is, caught up with a troll not worth the time of a disease-ridden dog to stop and piss upon. If I have ever come close to hating someone, it's this guy. During extremely rough times in my life this girl has been there. In fact, she's been the one constant friend I have had since I met her in elementary school. I love her with all my heart. I would kill for her, and he should be scared. He disgusts me in ways I can not even describe. My vocabulary just isn't big enough to find a word to explain it. My nostrils flare and my jaw clenches just thinking about this waste of life. My friend is so wonderful, and apparently she doesn't know it... because how can someone so strong and smart think that they deserve to be with a 4 foot tall, ugly, stupid alcoholic that thinks it's okay to lay a hand on a woman in anger? Please, tell me how it's possible? He is not worthy to clean the toilet with his tongue after she's used it to rid herself of a day-old bean burrito. People like him should be drug into the streets and publicly flogged with a splintering, moldy 2x4.
I just can't figure it out. It makes my head spin so hard and fast that my words are getting lost. Seriously, this blog sounds like it was written by a half-wit middle schooler. I want to march right into these people's lives and clean out the wretchedness, by any means necessary. I want them to know how great they are and how much happier they could be without these cancerous relationships. I want to save them. Maybe they are the ones that need the shaking and the screaming. Maybe there is no helping them at all. I'm frustrated.
Someone please explain to me how someone can allow himself to be brought to the very bottom of dispair and self-loathing by someone who is suppose to love him, when I know that he is one of the most amazing people on earth? How can you let someone do this to you? Wasn't there a point along the way where you could have said, "Wait, I deserve better than this"? Is there ever a time that you think that maybe it's NOT you? Why don't you think you deserve happiness? I can't understand. Most women would give anything to meet a man like you, and here you are with a woman who takes your charm and genius for granted. She does not appreciate you. She does not deserve your love. I see her in public, and I apologize, but I can barely look at her. It takes so much for me to be friendly, when all I want to do is grab her by the shoulders and shake her while screaming, "YOU ARE SO LUCKY!" The unwaivering devotion she receives is something that women look for their whole lives, and most never find it. She is supposed to get excited when you come home, and lose her breath a little when you call. She is supposed to fall into your embrace after a bad day, and run to you when anything exciting, happy, sad, scary, or fun happens. She is supposed to thank God for you every night before she sleeps. These are the things you deserve. These are the things that we all deserve (only I'd like mine from a man please!). See through your self-hatred, and realize that YOU are the prize to be won!
Then there is this beautiful, intelligent, loving woman I know. And here she is, caught up with a troll not worth the time of a disease-ridden dog to stop and piss upon. If I have ever come close to hating someone, it's this guy. During extremely rough times in my life this girl has been there. In fact, she's been the one constant friend I have had since I met her in elementary school. I love her with all my heart. I would kill for her, and he should be scared. He disgusts me in ways I can not even describe. My vocabulary just isn't big enough to find a word to explain it. My nostrils flare and my jaw clenches just thinking about this waste of life. My friend is so wonderful, and apparently she doesn't know it... because how can someone so strong and smart think that they deserve to be with a 4 foot tall, ugly, stupid alcoholic that thinks it's okay to lay a hand on a woman in anger? Please, tell me how it's possible? He is not worthy to clean the toilet with his tongue after she's used it to rid herself of a day-old bean burrito. People like him should be drug into the streets and publicly flogged with a splintering, moldy 2x4.
I just can't figure it out. It makes my head spin so hard and fast that my words are getting lost. Seriously, this blog sounds like it was written by a half-wit middle schooler. I want to march right into these people's lives and clean out the wretchedness, by any means necessary. I want them to know how great they are and how much happier they could be without these cancerous relationships. I want to save them. Maybe they are the ones that need the shaking and the screaming. Maybe there is no helping them at all. I'm frustrated.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Still so many issues
I'm sitting here watching the locator at 24 years old and crying like the confused little girl I still am. This daughter wanted to reconnect with her father, and he reminds me of mine. Scratch that, the situation reminds me of mine. I don't want to get into it all again, but I have to get it out, and my blog is where I do it!
I can't explain the episode without sounding accusatory, and I really want to be past that point. It just really hit me listening to this man recount his relationship to Troy (the host). He doesn't own that he wasn't there. It's obviously a defense mechanism, but he has told himself so many other stories over the years that he doesn't know what is what anymore. Finally, after listening to him pass the buck and place the responsibility on his daughter to continue the relationship after minimal effort on his part Troy lets into him.
It has been a while since I tried to have a serious conversation with my father. It's easier on both of us if I just leave it alone. But in my mind it is never left alone. Troy said, "I don't know about this. He blames everyone else, and doesn't own his leaving." Own it. That's all it would take. I think. I want to believe this. He went on to say, "I don't want to be a jerk, but someone needs to be honest with you. You need to take ownership of the fact that you weren't there and stop placing the blame on other people and situations. You need to keep your opinions of what happened back then because these people are still in her life and she loves them. They have been there for her. You will say so much with 5 words - I love you, I'm sorry." This line was my undoing.
That is all I have ever wanted, not a recounting of events nor a book of excuses. I just want my pain to be validated. I want to know that he knows he messed up, and that he is sorry... not for the missed years or the lost time, but actually sorry for not wanting me... for not being there or making any gesture to try to be for so long. Ownership. I know there were choices to be made and complicated circumstances, but why didn't his love transcend all that? It should have. Troy said, "As a parent you should have set aside your dreams for your daughter, but it seems you set your daughter aside for your dreams." YES! Someone that understands!
Why can't I just let it go? It would be so much easier. I thought I had until this stupid WE tv show stirred it all up. I can't just accept it the way it is, but I do for my son. I don't want to deny him the relationship with my father the way I was denied it. I want to rise above my own bitterness. Why is it so difficult? People who don't know how it feels tell me all the time to get over it, work on the present. You don't get it. It hurts so bad. Every relationship I have had has been affected. Every rejection has hurt that much worse. Honestly, I disgust myself. I know that I shouldn't put so much stock into this, but I can't help it.
I'm so angry... and sad.... and heartbroken... and I now know that the hurt will never go away. I keep thinking that if I hear him say, "I'm sorry. I messed up. I didn't want you, because my life would have been way more difficult than I could have handled." without any 'but' or 'however' attached that every painful wound will magically heal. It won't. What to do?
Stop crying, little girl. Stop basing your worth on one man's rejection. Stop feeling like his opinion matters so much more than the hundreds that loved you your whole childhood. Easy to say. Impossible to do.
She told him, "You don't know how much it's hurt". He said, "Yes, I do." No. No, you do not. You can never know.
I can't explain the episode without sounding accusatory, and I really want to be past that point. It just really hit me listening to this man recount his relationship to Troy (the host). He doesn't own that he wasn't there. It's obviously a defense mechanism, but he has told himself so many other stories over the years that he doesn't know what is what anymore. Finally, after listening to him pass the buck and place the responsibility on his daughter to continue the relationship after minimal effort on his part Troy lets into him.
It has been a while since I tried to have a serious conversation with my father. It's easier on both of us if I just leave it alone. But in my mind it is never left alone. Troy said, "I don't know about this. He blames everyone else, and doesn't own his leaving." Own it. That's all it would take. I think. I want to believe this. He went on to say, "I don't want to be a jerk, but someone needs to be honest with you. You need to take ownership of the fact that you weren't there and stop placing the blame on other people and situations. You need to keep your opinions of what happened back then because these people are still in her life and she loves them. They have been there for her. You will say so much with 5 words - I love you, I'm sorry." This line was my undoing.
That is all I have ever wanted, not a recounting of events nor a book of excuses. I just want my pain to be validated. I want to know that he knows he messed up, and that he is sorry... not for the missed years or the lost time, but actually sorry for not wanting me... for not being there or making any gesture to try to be for so long. Ownership. I know there were choices to be made and complicated circumstances, but why didn't his love transcend all that? It should have. Troy said, "As a parent you should have set aside your dreams for your daughter, but it seems you set your daughter aside for your dreams." YES! Someone that understands!
Why can't I just let it go? It would be so much easier. I thought I had until this stupid WE tv show stirred it all up. I can't just accept it the way it is, but I do for my son. I don't want to deny him the relationship with my father the way I was denied it. I want to rise above my own bitterness. Why is it so difficult? People who don't know how it feels tell me all the time to get over it, work on the present. You don't get it. It hurts so bad. Every relationship I have had has been affected. Every rejection has hurt that much worse. Honestly, I disgust myself. I know that I shouldn't put so much stock into this, but I can't help it.
I'm so angry... and sad.... and heartbroken... and I now know that the hurt will never go away. I keep thinking that if I hear him say, "I'm sorry. I messed up. I didn't want you, because my life would have been way more difficult than I could have handled." without any 'but' or 'however' attached that every painful wound will magically heal. It won't. What to do?
Stop crying, little girl. Stop basing your worth on one man's rejection. Stop feeling like his opinion matters so much more than the hundreds that loved you your whole childhood. Easy to say. Impossible to do.
She told him, "You don't know how much it's hurt". He said, "Yes, I do." No. No, you do not. You can never know.
Friday, November 20, 2009
So much catching up
I'm not one of those people who finds some kind of spirituality in the rising sun, but this morning I found a simple serenity in the changing colors on the horizon. Today, looking at the light spreading upward as I drove back home, I realized that everything is right in my world. What a wonderful epiphany! I have gotten so used to being my normal brooding, angsty self that I completely missed the transition from wanting more to having it. Today is an awesome day, and I am thanking the Lord profusely for all that I have (and begging forgiveness for not doing so sooner).
School is winding down for the semester, and I am truly in my element. I LOVE learning. My favorite class is English, of course. My professor is an awesome person, and I feel an almost kindred connection, though we have never met. Allow me to swallow my pride for a moment with a nod to my mother; I have actually become a better writer in taking this course. She is always nagging me, saying that if I do not feed my talent it will not grow. OKAY MOM! You were right! (As usual...Whatever).
I also find myself reallly enjoying my Environmental Science course. I think it's turning me into a tree-hugger. I am wasting less water, shutting lights, and even made Christopher buy the eco-friendlier dishwasher detergent. Oh yes, Mother Nature and I are becoming fast friends! I have all A's right now in all my classes, 94 and better. Who knew I was such a freakin' genius? (Oh wait, I totally did.) Perhaps I should work on my humilty... then again, being so awesome negates the need to be humble.
Let's see... what else is new? Gavin was a frog for Halloween and I was a cat. Turns out, my costume was pretty slutty looking. I did not intend for this to happen. Apparently, a black tank top and big boobs coupled with kitty ears and a tail just screams skank. However, I did not leave the house, so it was acceptable. Gavin was so cute I coud barely stand it. I'd post a picture, but they're on my facebook. Go look.
I got a GIGANITIC tattoo. Right? So uncharacteristic of the Courtney, but I did it. It is located in the middle of my shoulder blades, a HUGENORMOUS ornate cross that I designed with the help of the tattoo artist. On one side it says "Lexi", and on the other "HRL" for my grandfather. Morbidly, I plan to fill in other names and initials along the border as my loved ones leave me. It's the only way I know to grieve, to feel some physical pain... that may not be healthy. Perhaps I should be evaluated...
I turned 24 on November 10th. Normally, I'm pretty excited when my birthday rolls around. After all, it's a day dedicated to me. Being an attention whore, I really can't ask for much more. Unfortunately, this year I was just painfully reminded of how I used to have a lot of friends, and now I don't. I know it is in part to my having a child. Most of my friends are still living it up, irresponsible style. And while they love to come squeeze my chunky lil man every so often, it is no longer Courtney that they call on Friday nights.... or any night for that matter. While this is a large blow to the ego for someone who, a short time ago, fully believed the world was spinning solely for her, I understand. Still hurts though. Anyway, about a year ago I weeded out all those crappy, fair-weather friends and on November 10th I remembered why. I do not have time for people who do not have time for me. I will not waste my already taxed energy supply on those who will not give any of themselves to me. Forget it. Call me a bitch, snob, pretentious, self-absorbed. I am these things on the surface... but I am also a good and loyal friend. And you people know this. And now you will also know that you don't deserve this unconditional love, so since I can't take it back I will just distance myself and love you from afar. So there!
Thanksgiving is less than a week away, and so begins my winter blues. Thankfully, it's been pretty chilly here, so I can pretend I'm at home if I close my eyes. It doesn't even smell the same, though. You know that fall smell, the leaves and the crisp air... yeah, we don't get that here. The leaves turn brown, not red and yellow. I'm going to get emotional if I think about it much longer. How I miss my Robert Frost-inspiring New England Autumns and Winters. Holidays are always hard when family is so far away. What is it about New England that gets into your soul? It's just in me. It's such a huge part of who I am. I'm a regionist! (Like a racist, but weirder) Seriously... I am so off.
Well, I guess that's the long and short of it... mostly long. I can't think of much else exciting in my usually dull life. Things are good. I am happy. OH! We got our pictures done. I'll post the links so you can see. The second link is Gavin's Christmas pictures. It was for some store called Oh My! Kiddie Kouture. The woman had a huge store full of girls' clothes and like 4 items of boys clothes, nothing Christmas.... but he is still super cute. You'll have to weed through the little girls before him. He is on like page 15 and on, all mixed in. K, go look! Ana Edwards is SO amazing. Employ her for all your picture-y needs. This is the third time we've used her. Woman is a genius. (And she is a wonderful person)
Our family pictures
Christmas Themed
School is winding down for the semester, and I am truly in my element. I LOVE learning. My favorite class is English, of course. My professor is an awesome person, and I feel an almost kindred connection, though we have never met. Allow me to swallow my pride for a moment with a nod to my mother; I have actually become a better writer in taking this course. She is always nagging me, saying that if I do not feed my talent it will not grow. OKAY MOM! You were right! (As usual...Whatever).
I also find myself reallly enjoying my Environmental Science course. I think it's turning me into a tree-hugger. I am wasting less water, shutting lights, and even made Christopher buy the eco-friendlier dishwasher detergent. Oh yes, Mother Nature and I are becoming fast friends! I have all A's right now in all my classes, 94 and better. Who knew I was such a freakin' genius? (Oh wait, I totally did.) Perhaps I should work on my humilty... then again, being so awesome negates the need to be humble.
Let's see... what else is new? Gavin was a frog for Halloween and I was a cat. Turns out, my costume was pretty slutty looking. I did not intend for this to happen. Apparently, a black tank top and big boobs coupled with kitty ears and a tail just screams skank. However, I did not leave the house, so it was acceptable. Gavin was so cute I coud barely stand it. I'd post a picture, but they're on my facebook. Go look.
I got a GIGANITIC tattoo. Right? So uncharacteristic of the Courtney, but I did it. It is located in the middle of my shoulder blades, a HUGENORMOUS ornate cross that I designed with the help of the tattoo artist. On one side it says "Lexi", and on the other "HRL" for my grandfather. Morbidly, I plan to fill in other names and initials along the border as my loved ones leave me. It's the only way I know to grieve, to feel some physical pain... that may not be healthy. Perhaps I should be evaluated...
I turned 24 on November 10th. Normally, I'm pretty excited when my birthday rolls around. After all, it's a day dedicated to me. Being an attention whore, I really can't ask for much more. Unfortunately, this year I was just painfully reminded of how I used to have a lot of friends, and now I don't. I know it is in part to my having a child. Most of my friends are still living it up, irresponsible style. And while they love to come squeeze my chunky lil man every so often, it is no longer Courtney that they call on Friday nights.... or any night for that matter. While this is a large blow to the ego for someone who, a short time ago, fully believed the world was spinning solely for her, I understand. Still hurts though. Anyway, about a year ago I weeded out all those crappy, fair-weather friends and on November 10th I remembered why. I do not have time for people who do not have time for me. I will not waste my already taxed energy supply on those who will not give any of themselves to me. Forget it. Call me a bitch, snob, pretentious, self-absorbed. I am these things on the surface... but I am also a good and loyal friend. And you people know this. And now you will also know that you don't deserve this unconditional love, so since I can't take it back I will just distance myself and love you from afar. So there!
Thanksgiving is less than a week away, and so begins my winter blues. Thankfully, it's been pretty chilly here, so I can pretend I'm at home if I close my eyes. It doesn't even smell the same, though. You know that fall smell, the leaves and the crisp air... yeah, we don't get that here. The leaves turn brown, not red and yellow. I'm going to get emotional if I think about it much longer. How I miss my Robert Frost-inspiring New England Autumns and Winters. Holidays are always hard when family is so far away. What is it about New England that gets into your soul? It's just in me. It's such a huge part of who I am. I'm a regionist! (Like a racist, but weirder) Seriously... I am so off.
Well, I guess that's the long and short of it... mostly long. I can't think of much else exciting in my usually dull life. Things are good. I am happy. OH! We got our pictures done. I'll post the links so you can see. The second link is Gavin's Christmas pictures. It was for some store called Oh My! Kiddie Kouture. The woman had a huge store full of girls' clothes and like 4 items of boys clothes, nothing Christmas.... but he is still super cute. You'll have to weed through the little girls before him. He is on like page 15 and on, all mixed in. K, go look! Ana Edwards is SO amazing. Employ her for all your picture-y needs. This is the third time we've used her. Woman is a genius. (And she is a wonderful person)
Our family pictures
Christmas Themed
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
A Million Racing Thoughts
Forgive me if I overwhelm you with the thoughts I can't seem to control. Apology aside, here they come...
On a light note, school has been in full swing for a couple weeks and it is killing! There is more work than I could conceivably complete (as I sit here typing a blog), but I'm really loving the challenge. I've done well on all of my assignments thus far, but I have a test today and the material is very broad. It hasn't been easy to study for. It's almost like you have to be in the professor's mind to get what he is trying to say... not the best at giving enough information to properly answer the question with confidence. During the quiz I found myself putting in an answer with the thought "Is this what you're talking about?" Nevertheless, I have studied and I hope I do well!
Gavin is doing well in daycare. They really love him! He is one of the favorites of all the ladies. And who could blame them?! I'm glad there's no separation anxienty... well, on his part anyway. I miss him like crazy! My only consolation is that he gets so excited when I come to pick him up. I wonder if he remembers me when I'm not there. I wonder if he has the capacity to think about me and be like "Hey where is that lady?" He doesn't seem to miss me. He is just happy to see me when I show up.
The trip to Vermont and Massachusetts helped quell the feeling of homesickness for about 3 weeks. It's been slowly seeping back in, toward the end of the day or in quiet moments. In a few months it will, again, be all I can think about. It's especially bad around the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas as definitely New England holidays. Nobody does it better! I want to go outside after a big meal, and freeze my butt off while I watch my family playing football or smashing through piles of leaves. I want to see my breath on Halloween! (Although the weather in GA has been very "Fall" lately) I miss the smells of Autumn. I miss the static in my sweaters telling me there's frost on the grass. I miss warming the car up for ten minutes before I dare go out. It's the little things you remember. That's what becomes important when you don't have them...the crunch of snow grinding under your boots, or wet red and yellow leaves along the curbs of every street. I miss picking apples, and then drinking hot cider with donuts to take the chill off. I miss trudging about, careful not to get snow in my shoes. I even miss having skin so dry I look as though I could molt! No, Fall and Winter are just not the same when September feels like May and I'm wearing flipflops in October. I don't even think I own any socks!
Okay so here is the more morbid of my thoughts. Driving back from the daycare this morning Lexi suddenly entered my mind in a sharp and vivid way that made my heart skip for a moment. I have trouble putting into words exactly how clear she was in that instant. It was like watching a home movie. There was no story line, no scene, just her smiling and laughing... and it hurt. But it made me smile through the tears I did not expect to spring forth. I sure do miss that girl. I sure do love her. And I sure wish I could tell her in a more physical way. Only in dreams...
Anyway, then I was spiraled into thought about the rest of my Tatros. I can't lose another one, especially now that I've gotten so much closer. What would I do, I thought, if I got news that Shannon or Erica, Lisa or Desirae had been killed? It made me panic a little to think of such things. I know I shouldn't. I had a sudden sense of urgency to see them all. I did a little facebook stalking, which made me feel better. I just wish I was closer. I can't say it enough.
On a light note, school has been in full swing for a couple weeks and it is killing! There is more work than I could conceivably complete (as I sit here typing a blog), but I'm really loving the challenge. I've done well on all of my assignments thus far, but I have a test today and the material is very broad. It hasn't been easy to study for. It's almost like you have to be in the professor's mind to get what he is trying to say... not the best at giving enough information to properly answer the question with confidence. During the quiz I found myself putting in an answer with the thought "Is this what you're talking about?" Nevertheless, I have studied and I hope I do well!
Gavin is doing well in daycare. They really love him! He is one of the favorites of all the ladies. And who could blame them?! I'm glad there's no separation anxienty... well, on his part anyway. I miss him like crazy! My only consolation is that he gets so excited when I come to pick him up. I wonder if he remembers me when I'm not there. I wonder if he has the capacity to think about me and be like "Hey where is that lady?" He doesn't seem to miss me. He is just happy to see me when I show up.
The trip to Vermont and Massachusetts helped quell the feeling of homesickness for about 3 weeks. It's been slowly seeping back in, toward the end of the day or in quiet moments. In a few months it will, again, be all I can think about. It's especially bad around the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas as definitely New England holidays. Nobody does it better! I want to go outside after a big meal, and freeze my butt off while I watch my family playing football or smashing through piles of leaves. I want to see my breath on Halloween! (Although the weather in GA has been very "Fall" lately) I miss the smells of Autumn. I miss the static in my sweaters telling me there's frost on the grass. I miss warming the car up for ten minutes before I dare go out. It's the little things you remember. That's what becomes important when you don't have them...the crunch of snow grinding under your boots, or wet red and yellow leaves along the curbs of every street. I miss picking apples, and then drinking hot cider with donuts to take the chill off. I miss trudging about, careful not to get snow in my shoes. I even miss having skin so dry I look as though I could molt! No, Fall and Winter are just not the same when September feels like May and I'm wearing flipflops in October. I don't even think I own any socks!
Okay so here is the more morbid of my thoughts. Driving back from the daycare this morning Lexi suddenly entered my mind in a sharp and vivid way that made my heart skip for a moment. I have trouble putting into words exactly how clear she was in that instant. It was like watching a home movie. There was no story line, no scene, just her smiling and laughing... and it hurt. But it made me smile through the tears I did not expect to spring forth. I sure do miss that girl. I sure do love her. And I sure wish I could tell her in a more physical way. Only in dreams...
Anyway, then I was spiraled into thought about the rest of my Tatros. I can't lose another one, especially now that I've gotten so much closer. What would I do, I thought, if I got news that Shannon or Erica, Lisa or Desirae had been killed? It made me panic a little to think of such things. I know I shouldn't. I had a sudden sense of urgency to see them all. I did a little facebook stalking, which made me feel better. I just wish I was closer. I can't say it enough.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Ode to the Italian Loaf
O Italian Loaf of Bread, fresh from the bakery, you are a culinary materpiece.
Your steamy, moist interior is only rivaled in succulence by your chewy, mouth-watering crust.
I lose civility and tear off a hefty portion with my overeager hands, but careful not to crush your tender middle!
You are light, by the standards of breads, but fill me with the sustenance I am craving.
Other foods pass through my mind, but none are so perfect as you, Italian Loaf.
Your decadence lies in your simplicity, a true indulgence.
I do not need spreads or dressings, for you are a wonderful delicacy without any fancy trimmings to mask your pristine flavors.
My senses are overwhelmed with exploding pleasure as I chew and savor each bite.
Your doughy aroma mingles with that distinct texture and buttery taste in my delighted mouth.
What an undeserved treat, says my tongue with gratitudinous salivation.
It is in this moment I understand why the Lord Jesus would liken Himself to you. Each are filling, nourishing, untainted, flawless... no truer comparison can be made.
How obvious it now seems that He would choose to partake in sharing you at His last meal with those He dearly loved.
I am not so generous. Far be it from me to give you away. You are mine.
Italian Loaf, my heart sings praise to you.
There is nothing so superb, so divine.
Italian Loaf of Bread, fresh from the bakery. You are a culinary masterpiece.
Your steamy, moist interior is only rivaled in succulence by your chewy, mouth-watering crust.
I lose civility and tear off a hefty portion with my overeager hands, but careful not to crush your tender middle!
You are light, by the standards of breads, but fill me with the sustenance I am craving.
Other foods pass through my mind, but none are so perfect as you, Italian Loaf.
Your decadence lies in your simplicity, a true indulgence.
I do not need spreads or dressings, for you are a wonderful delicacy without any fancy trimmings to mask your pristine flavors.
My senses are overwhelmed with exploding pleasure as I chew and savor each bite.
Your doughy aroma mingles with that distinct texture and buttery taste in my delighted mouth.
What an undeserved treat, says my tongue with gratitudinous salivation.
It is in this moment I understand why the Lord Jesus would liken Himself to you. Each are filling, nourishing, untainted, flawless... no truer comparison can be made.
How obvious it now seems that He would choose to partake in sharing you at His last meal with those He dearly loved.
I am not so generous. Far be it from me to give you away. You are mine.
Italian Loaf, my heart sings praise to you.
There is nothing so superb, so divine.
Italian Loaf of Bread, fresh from the bakery. You are a culinary masterpiece.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Abandoning My Son
I feel like I am abandoning my poor Honey Sunshine. I have been researching daycares in the area, and tomorrow I am going to visit one that I was drawn to. On paper they sound great. There are multiple age-divided classes, and the infant room currently has only three other children with two staff members exclusive to the babies. It is a learning center, so they teach babies and preschool age kids to prepare them for school which is something I was looking for. They also offer hot lunch for when Gavin is older, and meals are designed by a nutritionist.
That's all great... but I feel like I am abandoning my poor Honey Sunshine, as I earlier stated. I know I have a valid reason for starting him in daycare. I'm taking 12 credits during b-term! I just found out that in the 8 weeks of school my history class requires twelve 4-6 page papers on top of the 5 exams during the course. That's only one class! I know I can't watch my super active baby and do well on these assignments. I don't want to stick him in his bouncer or jumperoo and go about my business. He needs stimulation.
I know it will be a good experience for him, but I fear that he will be confused as to why I am gone so much. I am afraid he will have a hard time adjusting to a new environment or even forget who I am! What if he likes the women at the daycare better than me?
I can't help but feel like a bad mother. I wish i could just keep him with me at all times. I know it's going to help me to be a better mother, because I can finish my degree quickly and get good grades without distraction. Then I will be able to get a job quickly, and make us some cash monies! Still, I am apprehensive. Words of wisdom are welcome at this time.
That's all great... but I feel like I am abandoning my poor Honey Sunshine, as I earlier stated. I know I have a valid reason for starting him in daycare. I'm taking 12 credits during b-term! I just found out that in the 8 weeks of school my history class requires twelve 4-6 page papers on top of the 5 exams during the course. That's only one class! I know I can't watch my super active baby and do well on these assignments. I don't want to stick him in his bouncer or jumperoo and go about my business. He needs stimulation.
I know it will be a good experience for him, but I fear that he will be confused as to why I am gone so much. I am afraid he will have a hard time adjusting to a new environment or even forget who I am! What if he likes the women at the daycare better than me?
I can't help but feel like a bad mother. I wish i could just keep him with me at all times. I know it's going to help me to be a better mother, because I can finish my degree quickly and get good grades without distraction. Then I will be able to get a job quickly, and make us some cash monies! Still, I am apprehensive. Words of wisdom are welcome at this time.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Busy Bees!
It's been a crazy week. We got home late on Tuesday night from Vermont, and the Gavin had a rough night. Wednesday we had family portraits done by Ana Edwards. I've only seen 5 of them, but they are amazing! I can't wait to get them back. Gavin was grmpy the whole time, so we didn't get as many of his as I would have liked. My mom had to take him inside and put him to sleep, but it was still a lot of fun and I know we got some great shots.
Thursday I went to Darton to register for classes. Stupid, vain Courtney wore heels! I walked all over the place since I had to park approximately 46 miles away from any building. I waited in an equally long line once inside the Administration building which lead to someone handing me a piece of paper allowing me to wait in another line. At the end of that line they signed the paper I was given in the first line, which then allowed me to walk across campus to a third line. Once I was assisted I was led down some hallways until finally I met someone who registered me for classes. It was quite a process! But finally, I am registered for 12 credit hours in the b-term, an academic suicide in some people's eyes. However, I need to go fulltime in order to get that unemployment check!
I'm also get a good amount back from Pell. Unfortunately, between books and daycare it's all gone. (PS I just realized my paragraphs are not separated at any logical point. Oh well!) Anyway, money money money. I hate it. I really wsh we could go back to a time when we traded goods or services. American money is essentially not worth the paper it's printed on, so why bother? I mean really think about the concept of money. It's paper... and we accept it in exchange for things that actually have value. Whose idea was this?! Even if our money was worth the gold it's supposed to represent, what is gold but metal rocks from the ground? Well, I dont want a heap of metal for what I have to offer. It's such a strange idea if you really think down into it. It's almost obsolete. That doesn't matter though, because we'll always be working for money and exchanging it for goods and services. Plus, I have no marketable skills to offer, and I don't raise livestock. I most certainly do not farm crops. So really, this is the only system I can work with. Forget everything I said. I don't want to trade goods... I have nothing to trade!
That's just about all the news in my world. I am finally a student! I ordered 3 books and already spent 100 bucks, but that's just the name of the game!
Thursday I went to Darton to register for classes. Stupid, vain Courtney wore heels! I walked all over the place since I had to park approximately 46 miles away from any building. I waited in an equally long line once inside the Administration building which lead to someone handing me a piece of paper allowing me to wait in another line. At the end of that line they signed the paper I was given in the first line, which then allowed me to walk across campus to a third line. Once I was assisted I was led down some hallways until finally I met someone who registered me for classes. It was quite a process! But finally, I am registered for 12 credit hours in the b-term, an academic suicide in some people's eyes. However, I need to go fulltime in order to get that unemployment check!
I'm also get a good amount back from Pell. Unfortunately, between books and daycare it's all gone. (PS I just realized my paragraphs are not separated at any logical point. Oh well!) Anyway, money money money. I hate it. I really wsh we could go back to a time when we traded goods or services. American money is essentially not worth the paper it's printed on, so why bother? I mean really think about the concept of money. It's paper... and we accept it in exchange for things that actually have value. Whose idea was this?! Even if our money was worth the gold it's supposed to represent, what is gold but metal rocks from the ground? Well, I dont want a heap of metal for what I have to offer. It's such a strange idea if you really think down into it. It's almost obsolete. That doesn't matter though, because we'll always be working for money and exchanging it for goods and services. Plus, I have no marketable skills to offer, and I don't raise livestock. I most certainly do not farm crops. So really, this is the only system I can work with. Forget everything I said. I don't want to trade goods... I have nothing to trade!
That's just about all the news in my world. I am finally a student! I ordered 3 books and already spent 100 bucks, but that's just the name of the game!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Remembering
Lexi's memorial service was today.
I spent the day with my family, and I really had such a great time fitting right in and feeling at home. As I've said before, it's a feeling I really cherish and don't get to experience daily. I really love these people, and I know that they love me unconditionally like one of their own, because I AM one of them. It's easy to see now.
The memorial service was beautiful, with people gathering for the same reason, feeling each other's pain, and finding solace in that. As we listened to songs and held our candles huddled there in the rain, I looked around me. I looked at my family, and finally felt peace creep in as we grieved together, pushing out the unease that had a year to settle in on my heart. The face of an angel looked out at us in stone, and reminded us that she is still here, especially as we gathered there for her. I was too shy to speak, but I remember not a week before she passed we had been emailing back and forth. We were deep in conversation about our fathers and resentment. She seemed so wise then, telling me things I needed to hear. One of the last things she wrote was that she hoped one day my father and I would get over our differences, and that I would be closer to the family. I didn't think about it until today.
This year has been filled with so many unanswered questions; the main one being 'Why?' Why would Lex leave us? What purpose could this ever serve? Well, I know pertaining to my life, I finally have a reason. Had it not been for losing Alexa I would never have gotten so close to the Tatro side of my family. I'm not saying that I'm glad this happened. I would give both my kidneys and left arm to have Lexi back... but now I am able to see a little budding flower amongst the ashes. There is a ray of sunshine peeking through this storm. Lexi has given me more love than I know what to do with, by drawing me into the family I kept at a distance. Because I lost one of the few Tatros I allowed myself to get close to I found myself letting them love me, and loving them on a deeper level than I did before. I have always loved them like you're supposed to love your family... but now I love them for the people they are, and what they bring to my life.
I love my crazy cousins that act like I've been there since day one. I love my fun aunts that make me laugh. I love my uncles that are such men, but big softies at the same time. I love these kids of the next generation with their adorable antics. And I love my Gram, who has known about me since I was born, and loved me like she loves the rest of the kids. They are all supportive and inviting, and I know they will be there for me no matter what I get into or what path I choose.
It took losing someone really important to me to show me that I had a ton more great people waiting to love me like she did. The pain is still there, and so real and raw. But grasping this realization that through the sorrow has come something positive is such a weight off my shoulders. No, it doesn't make it all better. No one can replace Lexi. She is one of a kind, for sure. However, I have a stronger relationship with a lot of amazing people, and that is also something irreplaceable like her... and no one can take this from us. It's something I came to understand seeing my family and Lexi's friends today with tears wetting their cheeks. You can't take this love from us. It is forever.
Thanks, Alexa. I love you.
I spent the day with my family, and I really had such a great time fitting right in and feeling at home. As I've said before, it's a feeling I really cherish and don't get to experience daily. I really love these people, and I know that they love me unconditionally like one of their own, because I AM one of them. It's easy to see now.
The memorial service was beautiful, with people gathering for the same reason, feeling each other's pain, and finding solace in that. As we listened to songs and held our candles huddled there in the rain, I looked around me. I looked at my family, and finally felt peace creep in as we grieved together, pushing out the unease that had a year to settle in on my heart. The face of an angel looked out at us in stone, and reminded us that she is still here, especially as we gathered there for her. I was too shy to speak, but I remember not a week before she passed we had been emailing back and forth. We were deep in conversation about our fathers and resentment. She seemed so wise then, telling me things I needed to hear. One of the last things she wrote was that she hoped one day my father and I would get over our differences, and that I would be closer to the family. I didn't think about it until today.
This year has been filled with so many unanswered questions; the main one being 'Why?' Why would Lex leave us? What purpose could this ever serve? Well, I know pertaining to my life, I finally have a reason. Had it not been for losing Alexa I would never have gotten so close to the Tatro side of my family. I'm not saying that I'm glad this happened. I would give both my kidneys and left arm to have Lexi back... but now I am able to see a little budding flower amongst the ashes. There is a ray of sunshine peeking through this storm. Lexi has given me more love than I know what to do with, by drawing me into the family I kept at a distance. Because I lost one of the few Tatros I allowed myself to get close to I found myself letting them love me, and loving them on a deeper level than I did before. I have always loved them like you're supposed to love your family... but now I love them for the people they are, and what they bring to my life.
I love my crazy cousins that act like I've been there since day one. I love my fun aunts that make me laugh. I love my uncles that are such men, but big softies at the same time. I love these kids of the next generation with their adorable antics. And I love my Gram, who has known about me since I was born, and loved me like she loves the rest of the kids. They are all supportive and inviting, and I know they will be there for me no matter what I get into or what path I choose.
It took losing someone really important to me to show me that I had a ton more great people waiting to love me like she did. The pain is still there, and so real and raw. But grasping this realization that through the sorrow has come something positive is such a weight off my shoulders. No, it doesn't make it all better. No one can replace Lexi. She is one of a kind, for sure. However, I have a stronger relationship with a lot of amazing people, and that is also something irreplaceable like her... and no one can take this from us. It's something I came to understand seeing my family and Lexi's friends today with tears wetting their cheeks. You can't take this love from us. It is forever.
Thanks, Alexa. I love you.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Belonging
It may only be for a few days, but I am back where I belong. I can't describe the difference of feeling. All I can compare it to is being in a room full of people you don't know while wearing a tutu versus being in your childhood home snuggled up with a teddy bear and warm cookies. It's so great to be here and see my family. It's almost like no time has gone by.
I got to meet my cousin's son, Kobe. OH.MY.GOD. He is so cute! He's such a mild and sweet little dude. And when he met Gavin they were all smiles and trying to gnaw on each other. LOVE it!
Gavin is freezing his little tail off up here, just like his daddy would be! He's got lots of new warm clothes though, so he's doing fine. I swear he learns something new everyday, but that's another blog.
I feel so lifted in spirit just being here. I am so comfortable and in my zone. Ahhhh sigh of relief! It really was the boost I needed. I think I can survive a few more months in Georgia. I hope Christopher knows how much I love him, because it's not easy on me to be so far from these people all the time.
Anyway, what I really wanted to write about was the visit to the cemetery today. Wow. It was way harder that I ever imagined it would be.
It's been almost a year since we lost Lexi in a car accident, and at the time I was in a very difficult place. I had just learned I was pregnant a month or so before, I wasn't on speaking terms with my father, I hated my job, and of course, I was deathly homesick. Then I get a call from my father, which I let go to voicemail. When I listened to it he sounded a little panicked so I called my cousin Dennis to make sure nothing horrible was going on. Well, it was. Dennis wasn't home, but his wife Melissa answered and said, "I don't want to be the one to tell you this, but your cousin Alexa was killed in a car accident." I remember exactly where I was in the jeep in Americus. The stop sign at the end of the road was burning into my eyes, and began swimming in front of me. I can't even tell you what happened after that. I know I eventually talked to my cousin Erica. I know that the next day I talked to my father. I know that I cried and felt so alone in my pain. It didn't seem real, and I soon came to the unhealthy conclusion that it didn't have to be.
Songs would play on the radio and I'd cry for her, knowing she was gone. I'd look at her myspace and read the messages we had written back and forth and cry, knowing she was gone. Little memories would sneak up on me and I would cry, knowing she was gone. But it never fully hit me. I wasn't there to really see that she was gone. I knew, but it didn't have to hit me with it's full reality. I was completely disconnected from her absence. It was almost like I just hadn't heard from her in a while.
But today we went to see her grave. I wanted to go. I needed to go. As the car pulled into the cemetery my heart began to race. This is it. I knew what was coming, and it was like a bad movie I couldn't pause. Everyone was there before me, and I was so anxious, but my feet moved on their own towards the looming gray rock where Lexi's mother was kneeling. Even now remembering the sight is bringing the tears back. I knew they would come, but the pain of it was more shocking that I had anticipated. The reality slapped me harder than I had originally prepared for. That stone crushed me, and every bit of denial I had held onto was demolished to powder. I can't describe for you what it was like. Her pretty face etched there in the granite, smiling like the angel she now is. It was so beautiful, and so painfully hideous all at once. The dates glared at me; 1990-2008. And my Aunt Deb. There, kneeling in front of her baby girl. Why? It's a useless question to ask. It's not for me to know. Even as I stood there sobbing and shaking my head I knew not to ask why. I know everyone always says they feel blessed to know so-and-so and 'oh what a great person they were'. But Lexi, she really was one of those people that brought you joy and love, and she was real. I miss her. I do. And today was harder than I tried to let on, because I hate showing emotion like that. I'm just glad my family was there with me. That Aunt Deb was already there with open arms, knowing in a much worse way the pain that came with losing Lexi. There's a song that says Its times like these you learn to live again.... it's times like these you learn to love again. It's so poignant to me in this process. I love my Tatro family, and I have a new appreciation and an even deeper love for them now that I realize they can be taken from me. It almost sounds stupid, like I should have figured that out before. But it's real, and I have learned to love them on a different level than I ever could have. I'm just sorry I had to lose the one person in my life that made me feel like I was more amazing than I know I really am. She had that ability, because she loved with unconditional abandon. So I think the best legacy I can help create for her is to let her memory be the love I share with my family.
Today was hard. But I'm a little more complete now having allowed the reality to be just that. Reality. I miss you Lexi. I wish you were here among the welcoming commitee! I know you would have been the first one to hug me when I walked through the door. I know we'd already have memories that would last me forever. I know you're with us, everyday... but I wish it could be different. I love you.
I got to meet my cousin's son, Kobe. OH.MY.GOD. He is so cute! He's such a mild and sweet little dude. And when he met Gavin they were all smiles and trying to gnaw on each other. LOVE it!
Gavin is freezing his little tail off up here, just like his daddy would be! He's got lots of new warm clothes though, so he's doing fine. I swear he learns something new everyday, but that's another blog.
I feel so lifted in spirit just being here. I am so comfortable and in my zone. Ahhhh sigh of relief! It really was the boost I needed. I think I can survive a few more months in Georgia. I hope Christopher knows how much I love him, because it's not easy on me to be so far from these people all the time.
Anyway, what I really wanted to write about was the visit to the cemetery today. Wow. It was way harder that I ever imagined it would be.
It's been almost a year since we lost Lexi in a car accident, and at the time I was in a very difficult place. I had just learned I was pregnant a month or so before, I wasn't on speaking terms with my father, I hated my job, and of course, I was deathly homesick. Then I get a call from my father, which I let go to voicemail. When I listened to it he sounded a little panicked so I called my cousin Dennis to make sure nothing horrible was going on. Well, it was. Dennis wasn't home, but his wife Melissa answered and said, "I don't want to be the one to tell you this, but your cousin Alexa was killed in a car accident." I remember exactly where I was in the jeep in Americus. The stop sign at the end of the road was burning into my eyes, and began swimming in front of me. I can't even tell you what happened after that. I know I eventually talked to my cousin Erica. I know that the next day I talked to my father. I know that I cried and felt so alone in my pain. It didn't seem real, and I soon came to the unhealthy conclusion that it didn't have to be.
Songs would play on the radio and I'd cry for her, knowing she was gone. I'd look at her myspace and read the messages we had written back and forth and cry, knowing she was gone. Little memories would sneak up on me and I would cry, knowing she was gone. But it never fully hit me. I wasn't there to really see that she was gone. I knew, but it didn't have to hit me with it's full reality. I was completely disconnected from her absence. It was almost like I just hadn't heard from her in a while.
But today we went to see her grave. I wanted to go. I needed to go. As the car pulled into the cemetery my heart began to race. This is it. I knew what was coming, and it was like a bad movie I couldn't pause. Everyone was there before me, and I was so anxious, but my feet moved on their own towards the looming gray rock where Lexi's mother was kneeling. Even now remembering the sight is bringing the tears back. I knew they would come, but the pain of it was more shocking that I had anticipated. The reality slapped me harder than I had originally prepared for. That stone crushed me, and every bit of denial I had held onto was demolished to powder. I can't describe for you what it was like. Her pretty face etched there in the granite, smiling like the angel she now is. It was so beautiful, and so painfully hideous all at once. The dates glared at me; 1990-2008. And my Aunt Deb. There, kneeling in front of her baby girl. Why? It's a useless question to ask. It's not for me to know. Even as I stood there sobbing and shaking my head I knew not to ask why. I know everyone always says they feel blessed to know so-and-so and 'oh what a great person they were'. But Lexi, she really was one of those people that brought you joy and love, and she was real. I miss her. I do. And today was harder than I tried to let on, because I hate showing emotion like that. I'm just glad my family was there with me. That Aunt Deb was already there with open arms, knowing in a much worse way the pain that came with losing Lexi. There's a song that says Its times like these you learn to live again.... it's times like these you learn to love again. It's so poignant to me in this process. I love my Tatro family, and I have a new appreciation and an even deeper love for them now that I realize they can be taken from me. It almost sounds stupid, like I should have figured that out before. But it's real, and I have learned to love them on a different level than I ever could have. I'm just sorry I had to lose the one person in my life that made me feel like I was more amazing than I know I really am. She had that ability, because she loved with unconditional abandon. So I think the best legacy I can help create for her is to let her memory be the love I share with my family.
Today was hard. But I'm a little more complete now having allowed the reality to be just that. Reality. I miss you Lexi. I wish you were here among the welcoming commitee! I know you would have been the first one to hug me when I walked through the door. I know we'd already have memories that would last me forever. I know you're with us, everyday... but I wish it could be different. I love you.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
FREAKED out
I hope you guys appreciated the break I gave you from reading my blogs, but it's over now. Friday I am leaving for Vermont, and I couldn't be more excited. However, I could not be more freaked out either. It doesn't matter how many times I get on an airplane, I can not get used to it. From the day I purchase the ticket to the day I hear my section called for boarding I agonize over the trip. The gears in my head start spinning so fast it's all I can think about. I play out every possible scenario in vivid detail, and scare myself into paranoia. I know it's crazy, but I can't help it. I am less than 3 days away and all I can think about is terrorism and plane crashes. I think about what I will do if there is a terrorist. Will I try to attack them or overthrow them? I've concluded that I will. I mean, it's either die trying to get us safely under control or die when they crash us into something. I choose to go down fighting, especially since Gavin will be with me.
The other scenario is not quite as easy to stomach and has me cold sweating in panic if I think about it too hard. The plane is going down, and I know there's hardly a chance I will survive. Worse than that, is my beautiful son sitting helplessly on my lap, not knowing the fate that awaits him. My heart literally aches at the thought of it. Will he be smiling and bouncing as I try to remain calm for him? Or will he sense the imminence of death and be horrified beyond his own understanding?
I know it's morbid, but I can't help it. It makes me physically sick to my stomach. I hate take off. It's the point of no return. Then I relax a bit, but I am always tense until the wheels bounce promisingly onto the runway. I don't know how people do it all the time. I've been on over fifty plane rides in my lifetime. It never gets any easier.
I just had to get it all out. I am so completely freaked out of my mind, but I'm so glad to be going back, even for just a few days; one of which will be spent mostly in hysterical tears. Still, I need it like a booster shot to keep me going down here in Georgia. If you've never been in this situation it's hard to describe the toll it takes on you, missing 75 percent of your life every single day. Then, on top of that pain, knowing that even if you returned you'd be pining for what you left behind in the other place. There will always be a big hole, no matter what choice I make, and that is a pain I couldn't even wish on my worst enemy.
The other scenario is not quite as easy to stomach and has me cold sweating in panic if I think about it too hard. The plane is going down, and I know there's hardly a chance I will survive. Worse than that, is my beautiful son sitting helplessly on my lap, not knowing the fate that awaits him. My heart literally aches at the thought of it. Will he be smiling and bouncing as I try to remain calm for him? Or will he sense the imminence of death and be horrified beyond his own understanding?
I know it's morbid, but I can't help it. It makes me physically sick to my stomach. I hate take off. It's the point of no return. Then I relax a bit, but I am always tense until the wheels bounce promisingly onto the runway. I don't know how people do it all the time. I've been on over fifty plane rides in my lifetime. It never gets any easier.
I just had to get it all out. I am so completely freaked out of my mind, but I'm so glad to be going back, even for just a few days; one of which will be spent mostly in hysterical tears. Still, I need it like a booster shot to keep me going down here in Georgia. If you've never been in this situation it's hard to describe the toll it takes on you, missing 75 percent of your life every single day. Then, on top of that pain, knowing that even if you returned you'd be pining for what you left behind in the other place. There will always be a big hole, no matter what choice I make, and that is a pain I couldn't even wish on my worst enemy.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Just To Post
So today I got another fifty dollars unexpectedly. I cleaned out my wallet and was going to throw out some old giftcards, but had the walmart lady swipe them for me. One of the cards had fifty bucks! I KNOW that I spent that card. I even know what I spent it on! haha But I'm not questioning it.
I took the Darton Compass test. It's just a placement exam to see what level class you can take. I was really nervous, because I'm and English major. If I had failed the reading and writing portion I would be sitting here questioning my whole life! Fortunately, I made a 99 and a 98 on those two sections. It was yet another confirmation that I am on the right track! I register for classes on the 1st of October. I wish I could attend actual classes. That would just be so much fun! I know I would learn a lot better, as well. However, circumstances being what they are, it's just not in the cards at this point. That is pretty much all the news! Just wanted to have these things recorded for when I'm famous!
I took the Darton Compass test. It's just a placement exam to see what level class you can take. I was really nervous, because I'm and English major. If I had failed the reading and writing portion I would be sitting here questioning my whole life! Fortunately, I made a 99 and a 98 on those two sections. It was yet another confirmation that I am on the right track! I register for classes on the 1st of October. I wish I could attend actual classes. That would just be so much fun! I know I would learn a lot better, as well. However, circumstances being what they are, it's just not in the cards at this point. That is pretty much all the news! Just wanted to have these things recorded for when I'm famous!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
My Angel Delivered!
In an earlier post I commissioned an angel to leave me some money in my mailbox. While it was a complete joke (well maybe half a joke) I got the mail today to find a $100 check I was not expecting! When I was pregnant with Gavin I had to switch doctors at about 8 weeks. Apparently I overpaid them by $100 dollars so they cut me a check and today I got it. I thought I had already been refunded, but I guess not!
God is so good, and I just had to share this BLATANT and obvious answered prayer. I mean not only has the Lord provided a little extra cash for me to put into savings for school, but it was even in my mailbox! I know all prayers aren't answered so precisely, but this was too cool not to share. I really am one of those people in the cheesy email forwards, like I said yesterday! God is good and He will provide. It's just like the perfect assurance I need that He will be there for me and He wants me on this path.
God is so good, and I just had to share this BLATANT and obvious answered prayer. I mean not only has the Lord provided a little extra cash for me to put into savings for school, but it was even in my mailbox! I know all prayers aren't answered so precisely, but this was too cool not to share. I really am one of those people in the cheesy email forwards, like I said yesterday! God is good and He will provide. It's just like the perfect assurance I need that He will be there for me and He wants me on this path.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Road Blocks and Great Family
I really don't mean to write everyday, but lately there just seems to be a lot flying at me. So for an update on my new path in life: I am trying really hard to get everything organized to start Darton College on October 12th and of course the devil is working just as hard to throw obstacles in front of my feet. He hasn't tripped me yet, though! Take that, Satan! Wannabe!
I sent in all my forms, but I feel like it's really taking forever to get everything processed. I am still waiting for them to receive my college transcripts and immunization records. Once that happens I will finally be able to register for classes. I just don't want too much time to go by and end up having to postpone this. You know once classes are announced for registration it's like a pack of wild dogs is unleashed upon the courses offered, and if you're a slow puppy then you can forget it! Luckily for me, I have to pretty much take EVERYTHING, so I should get to squeeze in to the classes I need.
I spoke to someone in the Online Department today and he warned me that going full time during the B term is like working 2 full time jobs... which means I was right about needing Gavin to be put in daycare while I do this. I don't mind the work though. Praise the Lord for deciding to make me a giant nerd! Anyway, I am a very prompt, if not gratingly early kind of person, so this whole ordeal with waiting for my paperwork to go through has me biting my beautifully manied nails!
The second issue is the financial aid. I have ZERO dollars to put towards school at this point, and I am so afraid that my Pell grant won't process in time, or won't cover the whole year with books included. If it didn't I honestly would not be able to go. I don't have a job, and my unemployment check barely pays the bills I owe. Add Gavin's daycare to that and we are talking financial meltdown! I just do not want to be derailed. I need some angel to send me money in an unmarked envelope like in those cheesy email forwards we all love to read. So Angel, if you are a blogger, send your donation to 1509 South County Line Rd. Albany, GA 31705. This is NOT my house so don't be trying to stalk me, crazy non-angel freaks!!! Haha I am just joking about all that, but wouldn't it be nice? The REAL trouble will come when my unemployment runs out. I don't even want to think about that right now, lest I scare myself into dropping the whole endeavor!
I am sticking to it, right now. I know I can make this work. The Lord will provide a way, like He always has and always will. If anyone can find me a good verse about trusting God in this situation I would love to have it to meditate on.
The other big deal is something that I know the Lord has brought to me to heal me, and I am endlessly thankful. Last year in September my younger cousin Alexa was killed in a horrible car accident. I can't describe her to you in any words that will do her justice. She is one of those people you thank God for, just because you know them. I truly feel like I was blessed and honored to have been a part of her life, albeit shorter than any of us could have imagined. The hardest part for me is living in Georgia and having no one from that side of my family by my side ro grieve with. I wasn't able to attend her services, and I feel like I was not provided a venue to get any closure. I think about her everyday, and my heart literally aches when I do. It still isn't real to me, because I haven't been back home to experience her lack of presence. WELL anyway, last night I received an event invitation to a memorial being held in her honor. Knowing I wouldn't able to attend brought all those feelings flooding back, and eventually falling from my eyes. At about 2 am I changed my status to reflect how it made me feel to again miss a chance at closure.
This morning my phone rang at about 8 am. It was my Aunt Deb, Alexa's mother. She and my grandmother were willing to fly me and my son to Vermont for the memorial! I couldn't believe it! I am so homesick (but that's a different blog) and this is such a perfect time to take a mini visit back home.
PAUSE: Gavin is chewing on the coffee table leg!
Okay, he's fine. Crazy child.
Back to the subject at hand; I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family that loves me so much! Words can not express what it means to me to be going back home for a few days. At this point nothing matters and nothing can rain on my parade! I am going home, and I am going to visit Lexi. It won't be easy, and I'm sure I'll be drained emotionally... not to mention taking Gavin on a plane by myself, but I can not wait!
I sent in all my forms, but I feel like it's really taking forever to get everything processed. I am still waiting for them to receive my college transcripts and immunization records. Once that happens I will finally be able to register for classes. I just don't want too much time to go by and end up having to postpone this. You know once classes are announced for registration it's like a pack of wild dogs is unleashed upon the courses offered, and if you're a slow puppy then you can forget it! Luckily for me, I have to pretty much take EVERYTHING, so I should get to squeeze in to the classes I need.
I spoke to someone in the Online Department today and he warned me that going full time during the B term is like working 2 full time jobs... which means I was right about needing Gavin to be put in daycare while I do this. I don't mind the work though. Praise the Lord for deciding to make me a giant nerd! Anyway, I am a very prompt, if not gratingly early kind of person, so this whole ordeal with waiting for my paperwork to go through has me biting my beautifully manied nails!
The second issue is the financial aid. I have ZERO dollars to put towards school at this point, and I am so afraid that my Pell grant won't process in time, or won't cover the whole year with books included. If it didn't I honestly would not be able to go. I don't have a job, and my unemployment check barely pays the bills I owe. Add Gavin's daycare to that and we are talking financial meltdown! I just do not want to be derailed. I need some angel to send me money in an unmarked envelope like in those cheesy email forwards we all love to read. So Angel, if you are a blogger, send your donation to 1509 South County Line Rd. Albany, GA 31705. This is NOT my house so don't be trying to stalk me, crazy non-angel freaks!!! Haha I am just joking about all that, but wouldn't it be nice? The REAL trouble will come when my unemployment runs out. I don't even want to think about that right now, lest I scare myself into dropping the whole endeavor!
I am sticking to it, right now. I know I can make this work. The Lord will provide a way, like He always has and always will. If anyone can find me a good verse about trusting God in this situation I would love to have it to meditate on.
The other big deal is something that I know the Lord has brought to me to heal me, and I am endlessly thankful. Last year in September my younger cousin Alexa was killed in a horrible car accident. I can't describe her to you in any words that will do her justice. She is one of those people you thank God for, just because you know them. I truly feel like I was blessed and honored to have been a part of her life, albeit shorter than any of us could have imagined. The hardest part for me is living in Georgia and having no one from that side of my family by my side ro grieve with. I wasn't able to attend her services, and I feel like I was not provided a venue to get any closure. I think about her everyday, and my heart literally aches when I do. It still isn't real to me, because I haven't been back home to experience her lack of presence. WELL anyway, last night I received an event invitation to a memorial being held in her honor. Knowing I wouldn't able to attend brought all those feelings flooding back, and eventually falling from my eyes. At about 2 am I changed my status to reflect how it made me feel to again miss a chance at closure.
This morning my phone rang at about 8 am. It was my Aunt Deb, Alexa's mother. She and my grandmother were willing to fly me and my son to Vermont for the memorial! I couldn't believe it! I am so homesick (but that's a different blog) and this is such a perfect time to take a mini visit back home.
PAUSE: Gavin is chewing on the coffee table leg!
Okay, he's fine. Crazy child.
Back to the subject at hand; I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family that loves me so much! Words can not express what it means to me to be going back home for a few days. At this point nothing matters and nothing can rain on my parade! I am going home, and I am going to visit Lexi. It won't be easy, and I'm sure I'll be drained emotionally... not to mention taking Gavin on a plane by myself, but I can not wait!
Monday, September 14, 2009
He reveals Himself through the faithful
I have a lot of really great contacts on my facebook and myspace, so you'll see me reference them a lot. This time it's a girl I met in college, who has become an awesome young woman. I really look up to her. Her name is Miranda, and I hope she doesn't mind me writing about her! She always posts these really insightful blurbs on Facebook, and today it was a blog by Beth Moore, and it was about self-loathing. The quote that really caught me was that self-loathing is just another form of self-absorption. This is so true, and it made me realize how selfish it is to do.
I don't want to hate myself, and I guess it's not so much hate as disgust, which is probably more destructive. When I look in the mirror I instantly begin tearing myself down. "Wow, Courtney. You've really let yourself go. Remember when you were beautiful?" I know exactly what to say to make myself feel as bad as possible. "You're going nowhere. Your family is ashamed of your choices. No one wants to hang out with an unwed mother, or furthermore, allow their daughters to be around you. You fail." That is so mean! How can I be so cruel to the only persn I am forever stuck with? I think it took this final insult to bring me to my senses and stop putting myself down. "You are so self-absorbed, Courtney. Get Over Yourself." You know what, inner voice, you are so right. There are far more important things to think about. There are much better things to spend what little energy I have on; like making the changes I need to make.
So today I have a verse to reflect back on when my heart starts to betray me and those finely tuned cogs in my brain start whirring with negativity.
"This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything." 1 John 3:19,20
My heart condemns me a lot, and I often left it defeat me in my progression towards something better. But my God is greater than my heart, and even though I think I'm the one with all the answers He truly does know everything. So my task for the future is to turn to God as soon as those bad thoughts start creeping in. I can set my heart at rest when I start filling with doubt. He believes in me in a stronger, more real way than I can ever believe in Him.
Thanks, Miranda (and Beth Moore)!
P.S. The Beth Moore blog is titled "The Self-Condemnation of a Red Bird" if you want to look it up.
I don't want to hate myself, and I guess it's not so much hate as disgust, which is probably more destructive. When I look in the mirror I instantly begin tearing myself down. "Wow, Courtney. You've really let yourself go. Remember when you were beautiful?" I know exactly what to say to make myself feel as bad as possible. "You're going nowhere. Your family is ashamed of your choices. No one wants to hang out with an unwed mother, or furthermore, allow their daughters to be around you. You fail." That is so mean! How can I be so cruel to the only persn I am forever stuck with? I think it took this final insult to bring me to my senses and stop putting myself down. "You are so self-absorbed, Courtney. Get Over Yourself." You know what, inner voice, you are so right. There are far more important things to think about. There are much better things to spend what little energy I have on; like making the changes I need to make.
So today I have a verse to reflect back on when my heart starts to betray me and those finely tuned cogs in my brain start whirring with negativity.
"This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything." 1 John 3:19,20
My heart condemns me a lot, and I often left it defeat me in my progression towards something better. But my God is greater than my heart, and even though I think I'm the one with all the answers He truly does know everything. So my task for the future is to turn to God as soon as those bad thoughts start creeping in. I can set my heart at rest when I start filling with doubt. He believes in me in a stronger, more real way than I can ever believe in Him.
Thanks, Miranda (and Beth Moore)!
P.S. The Beth Moore blog is titled "The Self-Condemnation of a Red Bird" if you want to look it up.
Allow me to introduce myself
Let's start with the elementary basics.
My name is Courtney Francesca Mason. I am a twenty-something mother to a little boy named Gavin. I live with his father, my boyfriend, in a small town where I continuously struggle to find my niche. Life imitating Life. I am a Christian, though my path towards the light has grassed over a bit. In fact, my intended course has really hidden itself entirely among the weeds. I am unemployed, unmarried, and unhappy in this place. It's time to start again. Thus, my blog; A New Beginning.
Over the last few years it seems my life has slowly pried the reigns from my own hands. And though there were times when I'd think 'Hey, I think my grip on things is loosening a bit', the loss of control went largely unnoticed until I realized with sudden panic that I was on a runaway stallion that just wouldn't listen to me.
Well, crazy horse, I am ready to be your master once again! So here is the deal... I'm starting over. And I know it won't be easy or the way I intended. That little path I started following a few years ago is no longer an option for me, so I am forging a new one. It should be interesting.
Phase One... High school ended for me and the world was full of possibilities. Things started out as I had intended, at a university with my best friend for a roomie. I wanted to practice law, so there I was on the prelaw track at Georgia Southwestern.
Semester one was great. I was in the honors program and finding my classes easier than I ever could have imagined. College life was great, a party, and no adults... Of course, this was because I was supposed to be learning to be an adult. It didn't happen. I wasn't ready to make my own choices, so the ones I made landed me between a rock and a really fun place I didn't want to leave. Eventually, I dropped out, causing the heartbreak of my mother and those who had so much stock in my future. It really was an uncharacteristic move. I gave up.
Fast forward four years later. I lost my job, and during my struggle to re-enter the workforce finally realized that without a degree I will only continue to work at places that make me dread the alarm in the morning. I've really known all along that teaching was my calling, and after a college english course proved to be my strong point I decided I wouldn't make a half-bad english teacher. My technical composition could use a little work, but hey, that's what school is for!
I applied for Darton's B term, and if all goes as planned I will be starting in October.
Phase Two... I am a child of God. I have not strayed from his light. Yes, I have made poor choices that I know He does not approve of. I know that there are aspects of my life that are disappointing to Him. However, I also know that through every dark hour He has been by my side. I have felt Him in deep soulful ways I never knew possible until I got lost in these woods. I know right from wrong. I know that where I am now isn't where He wants me to be... but more importantly, I know He loves me right where I am. Still, I owe Him more than what I have given. Lately, I've been reading the stories of the Bible, from beginning to end to my son, Gavin. And I find myself learning and relating these stories to my life like I was never able to before. So I'm getting back into my Lord, and showing Him that I am serious about knowing more about Him.
Something I think that is hard for others, especially Christians, to understand is that I didn't turn my back on God. In my sin, I did not stop praying or turn to the devil. I did not curse Jesus or His gift of life. I just made some mistakes, and I am not ashamed. My choices have made me stronger, and actually brought me closer to God. We've been through a lot together, He and I. We are like a pair of mountain climbers, pulled together by the difficulty of the journey. I've really bonded with God and felt his realness, so I am grateful for my tribulations. Anyway, this is to say, don't judge my journey... but feel free to observe, learn, identify, and even give me advice. But by no means are you welcome to condemn me; because at the end of the day, when my head hits the pillow and my mind is winding down, it's me and my God. We're talking about the day, the future, the past, the possibilities, my fears, my desires, His plan, and YOU are not invited to that conversation.
So this is me. This is the beginning of my journey back to where I'm meant to be,where I want to be. You're welcome to walk along side and experience this. I am a Christian, a mother, a woman.... and this is me... becoming better.
My name is Courtney Francesca Mason. I am a twenty-something mother to a little boy named Gavin. I live with his father, my boyfriend, in a small town where I continuously struggle to find my niche. Life imitating Life. I am a Christian, though my path towards the light has grassed over a bit. In fact, my intended course has really hidden itself entirely among the weeds. I am unemployed, unmarried, and unhappy in this place. It's time to start again. Thus, my blog; A New Beginning.
Over the last few years it seems my life has slowly pried the reigns from my own hands. And though there were times when I'd think 'Hey, I think my grip on things is loosening a bit', the loss of control went largely unnoticed until I realized with sudden panic that I was on a runaway stallion that just wouldn't listen to me.
Well, crazy horse, I am ready to be your master once again! So here is the deal... I'm starting over. And I know it won't be easy or the way I intended. That little path I started following a few years ago is no longer an option for me, so I am forging a new one. It should be interesting.
Phase One... High school ended for me and the world was full of possibilities. Things started out as I had intended, at a university with my best friend for a roomie. I wanted to practice law, so there I was on the prelaw track at Georgia Southwestern.
Semester one was great. I was in the honors program and finding my classes easier than I ever could have imagined. College life was great, a party, and no adults... Of course, this was because I was supposed to be learning to be an adult. It didn't happen. I wasn't ready to make my own choices, so the ones I made landed me between a rock and a really fun place I didn't want to leave. Eventually, I dropped out, causing the heartbreak of my mother and those who had so much stock in my future. It really was an uncharacteristic move. I gave up.
Fast forward four years later. I lost my job, and during my struggle to re-enter the workforce finally realized that without a degree I will only continue to work at places that make me dread the alarm in the morning. I've really known all along that teaching was my calling, and after a college english course proved to be my strong point I decided I wouldn't make a half-bad english teacher. My technical composition could use a little work, but hey, that's what school is for!
I applied for Darton's B term, and if all goes as planned I will be starting in October.
Phase Two... I am a child of God. I have not strayed from his light. Yes, I have made poor choices that I know He does not approve of. I know that there are aspects of my life that are disappointing to Him. However, I also know that through every dark hour He has been by my side. I have felt Him in deep soulful ways I never knew possible until I got lost in these woods. I know right from wrong. I know that where I am now isn't where He wants me to be... but more importantly, I know He loves me right where I am. Still, I owe Him more than what I have given. Lately, I've been reading the stories of the Bible, from beginning to end to my son, Gavin. And I find myself learning and relating these stories to my life like I was never able to before. So I'm getting back into my Lord, and showing Him that I am serious about knowing more about Him.
Something I think that is hard for others, especially Christians, to understand is that I didn't turn my back on God. In my sin, I did not stop praying or turn to the devil. I did not curse Jesus or His gift of life. I just made some mistakes, and I am not ashamed. My choices have made me stronger, and actually brought me closer to God. We've been through a lot together, He and I. We are like a pair of mountain climbers, pulled together by the difficulty of the journey. I've really bonded with God and felt his realness, so I am grateful for my tribulations. Anyway, this is to say, don't judge my journey... but feel free to observe, learn, identify, and even give me advice. But by no means are you welcome to condemn me; because at the end of the day, when my head hits the pillow and my mind is winding down, it's me and my God. We're talking about the day, the future, the past, the possibilities, my fears, my desires, His plan, and YOU are not invited to that conversation.
So this is me. This is the beginning of my journey back to where I'm meant to be,where I want to be. You're welcome to walk along side and experience this. I am a Christian, a mother, a woman.... and this is me... becoming better.
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