Remembering

Lexi's memorial service was today.
I spent the day with my family, and I really had such a great time fitting right in and feeling at home. As I've said before, it's a feeling I really cherish and don't get to experience daily. I really love these people, and I know that they love me unconditionally like one of their own, because I AM one of them. It's easy to see now.
The memorial service was beautiful, with people gathering for the same reason, feeling each other's pain, and finding solace in that. As we listened to songs and held our candles huddled there in the rain, I looked around me. I looked at my family, and finally felt peace creep in as we grieved together, pushing out the unease that had a year to settle in on my heart. The face of an angel looked out at us in stone, and reminded us that she is still here, especially as we gathered there for her. I was too shy to speak, but I remember not a week before she passed we had been emailing back and forth. We were deep in conversation about our fathers and resentment. She seemed so wise then, telling me things I needed to hear. One of the last things she wrote was that she hoped one day my father and I would get over our differences, and that I would be closer to the family. I didn't think about it until today.
This year has been filled with so many unanswered questions; the main one being 'Why?' Why would Lex leave us? What purpose could this ever serve? Well, I know pertaining to my life, I finally have a reason. Had it not been for losing Alexa I would never have gotten so close to the Tatro side of my family. I'm not saying that I'm glad this happened. I would give both my kidneys and left arm to have Lexi back... but now I am able to see a little budding flower amongst the ashes. There is a ray of sunshine peeking through this storm. Lexi has given me more love than I know what to do with, by drawing me into the family I kept at a distance. Because I lost one of the few Tatros I allowed myself to get close to I found myself letting them love me, and loving them on a deeper level than I did before. I have always loved them like you're supposed to love your family... but now I love them for the people they are, and what they bring to my life.
I love my crazy cousins that act like I've been there since day one. I love my fun aunts that make me laugh. I love my uncles that are such men, but big softies at the same time. I love these kids of the next generation with their adorable antics. And I love my Gram, who has known about me since I was born, and loved me like she loves the rest of the kids. They are all supportive and inviting, and I know they will be there for me no matter what I get into or what path I choose.
It took losing someone really important to me to show me that I had a ton more great people waiting to love me like she did. The pain is still there, and so real and raw. But grasping this realization that through the sorrow has come something positive is such a weight off my shoulders. No, it doesn't make it all better. No one can replace Lexi. She is one of a kind, for sure. However, I have a stronger relationship with a lot of amazing people, and that is also something irreplaceable like her... and no one can take this from us. It's something I came to understand seeing my family and Lexi's friends today with tears wetting their cheeks. You can't take this love from us. It is forever.
Thanks, Alexa. I love you.

Belonging

It may only be for a few days, but I am back where I belong. I can't describe the difference of feeling. All I can compare it to is being in a room full of people you don't know while wearing a tutu versus being in your childhood home snuggled up with a teddy bear and warm cookies. It's so great to be here and see my family. It's almost like no time has gone by.
I got to meet my cousin's son, Kobe. OH.MY.GOD. He is so cute! He's such a mild and sweet little dude. And when he met Gavin they were all smiles and trying to gnaw on each other. LOVE it!
Gavin is freezing his little tail off up here, just like his daddy would be! He's got lots of new warm clothes though, so he's doing fine. I swear he learns something new everyday, but that's another blog.
I feel so lifted in spirit just being here. I am so comfortable and in my zone. Ahhhh sigh of relief! It really was the boost I needed. I think I can survive a few more months in Georgia. I hope Christopher knows how much I love him, because it's not easy on me to be so far from these people all the time.
Anyway, what I really wanted to write about was the visit to the cemetery today. Wow. It was way harder that I ever imagined it would be.

It's been almost a year since we lost Lexi in a car accident, and at the time I was in a very difficult place. I had just learned I was pregnant a month or so before, I wasn't on speaking terms with my father, I hated my job, and of course, I was deathly homesick. Then I get a call from my father, which I let go to voicemail. When I listened to it he sounded a little panicked so I called my cousin Dennis to make sure nothing horrible was going on. Well, it was. Dennis wasn't home, but his wife Melissa answered and said, "I don't want to be the one to tell you this, but your cousin Alexa was killed in a car accident." I remember exactly where I was in the jeep in Americus. The stop sign at the end of the road was burning into my eyes, and began swimming in front of me. I can't even tell you what happened after that. I know I eventually talked to my cousin Erica. I know that the next day I talked to my father. I know that I cried and felt so alone in my pain. It didn't seem real, and I soon came to the unhealthy conclusion that it didn't have to be.
Songs would play on the radio and I'd cry for her, knowing she was gone. I'd look at her myspace and read the messages we had written back and forth and cry, knowing she was gone. Little memories would sneak up on me and I would cry, knowing she was gone. But it never fully hit me. I wasn't there to really see that she was gone. I knew, but it didn't have to hit me with it's full reality. I was completely disconnected from her absence. It was almost like I just hadn't heard from her in a while.
But today we went to see her grave. I wanted to go. I needed to go. As the car pulled into the cemetery my heart began to race. This is it. I knew what was coming, and it was like a bad movie I couldn't pause. Everyone was there before me, and I was so anxious, but my feet moved on their own towards the looming gray rock where Lexi's mother was kneeling. Even now remembering the sight is bringing the tears back. I knew they would come, but the pain of it was more shocking that I had anticipated. The reality slapped me harder than I had originally prepared for. That stone crushed me, and every bit of denial I had held onto was demolished to powder. I can't describe for you what it was like. Her pretty face etched there in the granite, smiling like the angel she now is. It was so beautiful, and so painfully hideous all at once. The dates glared at me; 1990-2008. And my Aunt Deb. There, kneeling in front of her baby girl. Why? It's a useless question to ask. It's not for me to know. Even as I stood there sobbing and shaking my head I knew not to ask why. I know everyone always says they feel blessed to know so-and-so and 'oh what a great person they were'. But Lexi, she really was one of those people that brought you joy and love, and she was real. I miss her. I do. And today was harder than I tried to let on, because I hate showing emotion like that. I'm just glad my family was there with me. That Aunt Deb was already there with open arms, knowing in a much worse way the pain that came with losing Lexi. There's a song that says Its times like these you learn to live again.... it's times like these you learn to love again. It's so poignant to me in this process. I love my Tatro family, and I have a new appreciation and an even deeper love for them now that I realize they can be taken from me. It almost sounds stupid, like I should have figured that out before. But it's real, and I have learned to love them on a different level than I ever could have. I'm just sorry I had to lose the one person in my life that made me feel like I was more amazing than I know I really am. She had that ability, because she loved with unconditional abandon. So I think the best legacy I can help create for her is to let her memory be the love I share with my family.


Today was hard. But I'm a little more complete now having allowed the reality to be just that. Reality. I miss you Lexi. I wish you were here among the welcoming commitee! I know you would have been the first one to hug me when I walked through the door. I know we'd already have memories that would last me forever. I know you're with us, everyday... but I wish it could be different. I love you.

FREAKED out

I hope you guys appreciated the break I gave you from reading my blogs, but it's over now. Friday I am leaving for Vermont, and I couldn't be more excited. However, I could not be more freaked out either. It doesn't matter how many times I get on an airplane, I can not get used to it. From the day I purchase the ticket to the day I hear my section called for boarding I agonize over the trip. The gears in my head start spinning so fast it's all I can think about. I play out every possible scenario in vivid detail, and scare myself into paranoia. I know it's crazy, but I can't help it. I am less than 3 days away and all I can think about is terrorism and plane crashes. I think about what I will do if there is a terrorist. Will I try to attack them or overthrow them? I've concluded that I will. I mean, it's either die trying to get us safely under control or die when they crash us into something. I choose to go down fighting, especially since Gavin will be with me.
The other scenario is not quite as easy to stomach and has me cold sweating in panic if I think about it too hard. The plane is going down, and I know there's hardly a chance I will survive. Worse than that, is my beautiful son sitting helplessly on my lap, not knowing the fate that awaits him. My heart literally aches at the thought of it. Will he be smiling and bouncing as I try to remain calm for him? Or will he sense the imminence of death and be horrified beyond his own understanding?
I know it's morbid, but I can't help it. It makes me physically sick to my stomach. I hate take off. It's the point of no return. Then I relax a bit, but I am always tense until the wheels bounce promisingly onto the runway. I don't know how people do it all the time. I've been on over fifty plane rides in my lifetime. It never gets any easier.
I just had to get it all out. I am so completely freaked out of my mind, but I'm so glad to be going back, even for just a few days; one of which will be spent mostly in hysterical tears. Still, I need it like a booster shot to keep me going down here in Georgia. If you've never been in this situation it's hard to describe the toll it takes on you, missing 75 percent of your life every single day. Then, on top of that pain, knowing that even if you returned you'd be pining for what you left behind in the other place. There will always be a big hole, no matter what choice I make, and that is a pain I couldn't even wish on my worst enemy.

Just To Post

So today I got another fifty dollars unexpectedly. I cleaned out my wallet and was going to throw out some old giftcards, but had the walmart lady swipe them for me. One of the cards had fifty bucks! I KNOW that I spent that card. I even know what I spent it on! haha But I'm not questioning it.
I took the Darton Compass test. It's just a placement exam to see what level class you can take. I was really nervous, because I'm and English major. If I had failed the reading and writing portion I would be sitting here questioning my whole life! Fortunately, I made a 99 and a 98 on those two sections. It was yet another confirmation that I am on the right track! I register for classes on the 1st of October. I wish I could attend actual classes. That would just be so much fun! I know I would learn a lot better, as well. However, circumstances being what they are, it's just not in the cards at this point. That is pretty much all the news! Just wanted to have these things recorded for when I'm famous!

My Angel Delivered!

In an earlier post I commissioned an angel to leave me some money in my mailbox. While it was a complete joke (well maybe half a joke) I got the mail today to find a $100 check I was not expecting! When I was pregnant with Gavin I had to switch doctors at about 8 weeks. Apparently I overpaid them by $100 dollars so they cut me a check and today I got it. I thought I had already been refunded, but I guess not!
God is so good, and I just had to share this BLATANT and obvious answered prayer. I mean not only has the Lord provided a little extra cash for me to put into savings for school, but it was even in my mailbox! I know all prayers aren't answered so precisely, but this was too cool not to share. I really am one of those people in the cheesy email forwards, like I said yesterday! God is good and He will provide. It's just like the perfect assurance I need that He will be there for me and He wants me on this path.

Road Blocks and Great Family

I really don't mean to write everyday, but lately there just seems to be a lot flying at me. So for an update on my new path in life: I am trying really hard to get everything organized to start Darton College on October 12th and of course the devil is working just as hard to throw obstacles in front of my feet. He hasn't tripped me yet, though! Take that, Satan! Wannabe!
I sent in all my forms, but I feel like it's really taking forever to get everything processed. I am still waiting for them to receive my college transcripts and immunization records. Once that happens I will finally be able to register for classes. I just don't want too much time to go by and end up having to postpone this. You know once classes are announced for registration it's like a pack of wild dogs is unleashed upon the courses offered, and if you're a slow puppy then you can forget it! Luckily for me, I have to pretty much take EVERYTHING, so I should get to squeeze in to the classes I need.
I spoke to someone in the Online Department today and he warned me that going full time during the B term is like working 2 full time jobs... which means I was right about needing Gavin to be put in daycare while I do this. I don't mind the work though. Praise the Lord for deciding to make me a giant nerd! Anyway, I am a very prompt, if not gratingly early kind of person, so this whole ordeal with waiting for my paperwork to go through has me biting my beautifully manied nails!
The second issue is the financial aid. I have ZERO dollars to put towards school at this point, and I am so afraid that my Pell grant won't process in time, or won't cover the whole year with books included. If it didn't I honestly would not be able to go. I don't have a job, and my unemployment check barely pays the bills I owe. Add Gavin's daycare to that and we are talking financial meltdown! I just do not want to be derailed. I need some angel to send me money in an unmarked envelope like in those cheesy email forwards we all love to read. So Angel, if you are a blogger, send your donation to 1509 South County Line Rd. Albany, GA 31705. This is NOT my house so don't be trying to stalk me, crazy non-angel freaks!!! Haha I am just joking about all that, but wouldn't it be nice? The REAL trouble will come when my unemployment runs out. I don't even want to think about that right now, lest I scare myself into dropping the whole endeavor!
I am sticking to it, right now. I know I can make this work. The Lord will provide a way, like He always has and always will. If anyone can find me a good verse about trusting God in this situation I would love to have it to meditate on.

The other big deal is something that I know the Lord has brought to me to heal me, and I am endlessly thankful. Last year in September my younger cousin Alexa was killed in a horrible car accident. I can't describe her to you in any words that will do her justice. She is one of those people you thank God for, just because you know them. I truly feel like I was blessed and honored to have been a part of her life, albeit shorter than any of us could have imagined. The hardest part for me is living in Georgia and having no one from that side of my family by my side ro grieve with. I wasn't able to attend her services, and I feel like I was not provided a venue to get any closure. I think about her everyday, and my heart literally aches when I do. It still isn't real to me, because I haven't been back home to experience her lack of presence. WELL anyway, last night I received an event invitation to a memorial being held in her honor. Knowing I wouldn't able to attend brought all those feelings flooding back, and eventually falling from my eyes. At about 2 am I changed my status to reflect how it made me feel to again miss a chance at closure.
This morning my phone rang at about 8 am. It was my Aunt Deb, Alexa's mother. She and my grandmother were willing to fly me and my son to Vermont for the memorial! I couldn't believe it! I am so homesick (but that's a different blog) and this is such a perfect time to take a mini visit back home.
PAUSE: Gavin is chewing on the coffee table leg!
Okay, he's fine. Crazy child.
Back to the subject at hand; I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family that loves me so much! Words can not express what it means to me to be going back home for a few days. At this point nothing matters and nothing can rain on my parade! I am going home, and I am going to visit Lexi. It won't be easy, and I'm sure I'll be drained emotionally... not to mention taking Gavin on a plane by myself, but I can not wait!

He reveals Himself through the faithful

I have a lot of really great contacts on my facebook and myspace, so you'll see me reference them a lot. This time it's a girl I met in college, who has become an awesome young woman. I really look up to her. Her name is Miranda, and I hope she doesn't mind me writing about her! She always posts these really insightful blurbs on Facebook, and today it was a blog by Beth Moore, and it was about self-loathing. The quote that really caught me was that self-loathing is just another form of self-absorption. This is so true, and it made me realize how selfish it is to do.
I don't want to hate myself, and I guess it's not so much hate as disgust, which is probably more destructive. When I look in the mirror I instantly begin tearing myself down. "Wow, Courtney. You've really let yourself go. Remember when you were beautiful?" I know exactly what to say to make myself feel as bad as possible. "You're going nowhere. Your family is ashamed of your choices. No one wants to hang out with an unwed mother, or furthermore, allow their daughters to be around you. You fail." That is so mean! How can I be so cruel to the only persn I am forever stuck with? I think it took this final insult to bring me to my senses and stop putting myself down. "You are so self-absorbed, Courtney. Get Over Yourself." You know what, inner voice, you are so right. There are far more important things to think about. There are much better things to spend what little energy I have on; like making the changes I need to make.
So today I have a verse to reflect back on when my heart starts to betray me and those finely tuned cogs in my brain start whirring with negativity.
"This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything." 1 John 3:19,20
My heart condemns me a lot, and I often left it defeat me in my progression towards something better. But my God is greater than my heart, and even though I think I'm the one with all the answers He truly does know everything. So my task for the future is to turn to God as soon as those bad thoughts start creeping in. I can set my heart at rest when I start filling with doubt. He believes in me in a stronger, more real way than I can ever believe in Him.
Thanks, Miranda (and Beth Moore)!
P.S. The Beth Moore blog is titled "The Self-Condemnation of a Red Bird" if you want to look it up.

Allow me to introduce myself

Let's start with the elementary basics.
My name is Courtney Francesca Mason. I am a twenty-something mother to a little boy named Gavin. I live with his father, my boyfriend, in a small town where I continuously struggle to find my niche. Life imitating Life. I am a Christian, though my path towards the light has grassed over a bit. In fact, my intended course has really hidden itself entirely among the weeds. I am unemployed, unmarried, and unhappy in this place. It's time to start again. Thus, my blog; A New Beginning.
Over the last few years it seems my life has slowly pried the reigns from my own hands. And though there were times when I'd think 'Hey, I think my grip on things is loosening a bit', the loss of control went largely unnoticed until I realized with sudden panic that I was on a runaway stallion that just wouldn't listen to me.
Well, crazy horse, I am ready to be your master once again! So here is the deal... I'm starting over. And I know it won't be easy or the way I intended. That little path I started following a few years ago is no longer an option for me, so I am forging a new one. It should be interesting.

Phase One... High school ended for me and the world was full of possibilities. Things started out as I had intended, at a university with my best friend for a roomie. I wanted to practice law, so there I was on the prelaw track at Georgia Southwestern.
Semester one was great. I was in the honors program and finding my classes easier than I ever could have imagined. College life was great, a party, and no adults... Of course, this was because I was supposed to be learning to be an adult. It didn't happen. I wasn't ready to make my own choices, so the ones I made landed me between a rock and a really fun place I didn't want to leave. Eventually, I dropped out, causing the heartbreak of my mother and those who had so much stock in my future. It really was an uncharacteristic move. I gave up.
Fast forward four years later. I lost my job, and during my struggle to re-enter the workforce finally realized that without a degree I will only continue to work at places that make me dread the alarm in the morning. I've really known all along that teaching was my calling, and after a college english course proved to be my strong point I decided I wouldn't make a half-bad english teacher. My technical composition could use a little work, but hey, that's what school is for!
I applied for Darton's B term, and if all goes as planned I will be starting in October.

Phase Two... I am a child of God. I have not strayed from his light. Yes, I have made poor choices that I know He does not approve of. I know that there are aspects of my life that are disappointing to Him. However, I also know that through every dark hour He has been by my side. I have felt Him in deep soulful ways I never knew possible until I got lost in these woods. I know right from wrong. I know that where I am now isn't where He wants me to be... but more importantly, I know He loves me right where I am. Still, I owe Him more than what I have given. Lately, I've been reading the stories of the Bible, from beginning to end to my son, Gavin. And I find myself learning and relating these stories to my life like I was never able to before. So I'm getting back into my Lord, and showing Him that I am serious about knowing more about Him.
Something I think that is hard for others, especially Christians, to understand is that I didn't turn my back on God. In my sin, I did not stop praying or turn to the devil. I did not curse Jesus or His gift of life. I just made some mistakes, and I am not ashamed. My choices have made me stronger, and actually brought me closer to God. We've been through a lot together, He and I. We are like a pair of mountain climbers, pulled together by the difficulty of the journey. I've really bonded with God and felt his realness, so I am grateful for my tribulations. Anyway, this is to say, don't judge my journey... but feel free to observe, learn, identify, and even give me advice. But by no means are you welcome to condemn me; because at the end of the day, when my head hits the pillow and my mind is winding down, it's me and my God. We're talking about the day, the future, the past, the possibilities, my fears, my desires, His plan, and YOU are not invited to that conversation.

So this is me. This is the beginning of my journey back to where I'm meant to be,where I want to be. You're welcome to walk along side and experience this. I am a Christian, a mother, a woman.... and this is me... becoming better.