Remembering

Lexi's memorial service was today.
I spent the day with my family, and I really had such a great time fitting right in and feeling at home. As I've said before, it's a feeling I really cherish and don't get to experience daily. I really love these people, and I know that they love me unconditionally like one of their own, because I AM one of them. It's easy to see now.
The memorial service was beautiful, with people gathering for the same reason, feeling each other's pain, and finding solace in that. As we listened to songs and held our candles huddled there in the rain, I looked around me. I looked at my family, and finally felt peace creep in as we grieved together, pushing out the unease that had a year to settle in on my heart. The face of an angel looked out at us in stone, and reminded us that she is still here, especially as we gathered there for her. I was too shy to speak, but I remember not a week before she passed we had been emailing back and forth. We were deep in conversation about our fathers and resentment. She seemed so wise then, telling me things I needed to hear. One of the last things she wrote was that she hoped one day my father and I would get over our differences, and that I would be closer to the family. I didn't think about it until today.
This year has been filled with so many unanswered questions; the main one being 'Why?' Why would Lex leave us? What purpose could this ever serve? Well, I know pertaining to my life, I finally have a reason. Had it not been for losing Alexa I would never have gotten so close to the Tatro side of my family. I'm not saying that I'm glad this happened. I would give both my kidneys and left arm to have Lexi back... but now I am able to see a little budding flower amongst the ashes. There is a ray of sunshine peeking through this storm. Lexi has given me more love than I know what to do with, by drawing me into the family I kept at a distance. Because I lost one of the few Tatros I allowed myself to get close to I found myself letting them love me, and loving them on a deeper level than I did before. I have always loved them like you're supposed to love your family... but now I love them for the people they are, and what they bring to my life.
I love my crazy cousins that act like I've been there since day one. I love my fun aunts that make me laugh. I love my uncles that are such men, but big softies at the same time. I love these kids of the next generation with their adorable antics. And I love my Gram, who has known about me since I was born, and loved me like she loves the rest of the kids. They are all supportive and inviting, and I know they will be there for me no matter what I get into or what path I choose.
It took losing someone really important to me to show me that I had a ton more great people waiting to love me like she did. The pain is still there, and so real and raw. But grasping this realization that through the sorrow has come something positive is such a weight off my shoulders. No, it doesn't make it all better. No one can replace Lexi. She is one of a kind, for sure. However, I have a stronger relationship with a lot of amazing people, and that is also something irreplaceable like her... and no one can take this from us. It's something I came to understand seeing my family and Lexi's friends today with tears wetting their cheeks. You can't take this love from us. It is forever.
Thanks, Alexa. I love you.