FREAKED out

I hope you guys appreciated the break I gave you from reading my blogs, but it's over now. Friday I am leaving for Vermont, and I couldn't be more excited. However, I could not be more freaked out either. It doesn't matter how many times I get on an airplane, I can not get used to it. From the day I purchase the ticket to the day I hear my section called for boarding I agonize over the trip. The gears in my head start spinning so fast it's all I can think about. I play out every possible scenario in vivid detail, and scare myself into paranoia. I know it's crazy, but I can't help it. I am less than 3 days away and all I can think about is terrorism and plane crashes. I think about what I will do if there is a terrorist. Will I try to attack them or overthrow them? I've concluded that I will. I mean, it's either die trying to get us safely under control or die when they crash us into something. I choose to go down fighting, especially since Gavin will be with me.
The other scenario is not quite as easy to stomach and has me cold sweating in panic if I think about it too hard. The plane is going down, and I know there's hardly a chance I will survive. Worse than that, is my beautiful son sitting helplessly on my lap, not knowing the fate that awaits him. My heart literally aches at the thought of it. Will he be smiling and bouncing as I try to remain calm for him? Or will he sense the imminence of death and be horrified beyond his own understanding?
I know it's morbid, but I can't help it. It makes me physically sick to my stomach. I hate take off. It's the point of no return. Then I relax a bit, but I am always tense until the wheels bounce promisingly onto the runway. I don't know how people do it all the time. I've been on over fifty plane rides in my lifetime. It never gets any easier.
I just had to get it all out. I am so completely freaked out of my mind, but I'm so glad to be going back, even for just a few days; one of which will be spent mostly in hysterical tears. Still, I need it like a booster shot to keep me going down here in Georgia. If you've never been in this situation it's hard to describe the toll it takes on you, missing 75 percent of your life every single day. Then, on top of that pain, knowing that even if you returned you'd be pining for what you left behind in the other place. There will always be a big hole, no matter what choice I make, and that is a pain I couldn't even wish on my worst enemy.