Belonging

It may only be for a few days, but I am back where I belong. I can't describe the difference of feeling. All I can compare it to is being in a room full of people you don't know while wearing a tutu versus being in your childhood home snuggled up with a teddy bear and warm cookies. It's so great to be here and see my family. It's almost like no time has gone by.
I got to meet my cousin's son, Kobe. OH.MY.GOD. He is so cute! He's such a mild and sweet little dude. And when he met Gavin they were all smiles and trying to gnaw on each other. LOVE it!
Gavin is freezing his little tail off up here, just like his daddy would be! He's got lots of new warm clothes though, so he's doing fine. I swear he learns something new everyday, but that's another blog.
I feel so lifted in spirit just being here. I am so comfortable and in my zone. Ahhhh sigh of relief! It really was the boost I needed. I think I can survive a few more months in Georgia. I hope Christopher knows how much I love him, because it's not easy on me to be so far from these people all the time.
Anyway, what I really wanted to write about was the visit to the cemetery today. Wow. It was way harder that I ever imagined it would be.

It's been almost a year since we lost Lexi in a car accident, and at the time I was in a very difficult place. I had just learned I was pregnant a month or so before, I wasn't on speaking terms with my father, I hated my job, and of course, I was deathly homesick. Then I get a call from my father, which I let go to voicemail. When I listened to it he sounded a little panicked so I called my cousin Dennis to make sure nothing horrible was going on. Well, it was. Dennis wasn't home, but his wife Melissa answered and said, "I don't want to be the one to tell you this, but your cousin Alexa was killed in a car accident." I remember exactly where I was in the jeep in Americus. The stop sign at the end of the road was burning into my eyes, and began swimming in front of me. I can't even tell you what happened after that. I know I eventually talked to my cousin Erica. I know that the next day I talked to my father. I know that I cried and felt so alone in my pain. It didn't seem real, and I soon came to the unhealthy conclusion that it didn't have to be.
Songs would play on the radio and I'd cry for her, knowing she was gone. I'd look at her myspace and read the messages we had written back and forth and cry, knowing she was gone. Little memories would sneak up on me and I would cry, knowing she was gone. But it never fully hit me. I wasn't there to really see that she was gone. I knew, but it didn't have to hit me with it's full reality. I was completely disconnected from her absence. It was almost like I just hadn't heard from her in a while.
But today we went to see her grave. I wanted to go. I needed to go. As the car pulled into the cemetery my heart began to race. This is it. I knew what was coming, and it was like a bad movie I couldn't pause. Everyone was there before me, and I was so anxious, but my feet moved on their own towards the looming gray rock where Lexi's mother was kneeling. Even now remembering the sight is bringing the tears back. I knew they would come, but the pain of it was more shocking that I had anticipated. The reality slapped me harder than I had originally prepared for. That stone crushed me, and every bit of denial I had held onto was demolished to powder. I can't describe for you what it was like. Her pretty face etched there in the granite, smiling like the angel she now is. It was so beautiful, and so painfully hideous all at once. The dates glared at me; 1990-2008. And my Aunt Deb. There, kneeling in front of her baby girl. Why? It's a useless question to ask. It's not for me to know. Even as I stood there sobbing and shaking my head I knew not to ask why. I know everyone always says they feel blessed to know so-and-so and 'oh what a great person they were'. But Lexi, she really was one of those people that brought you joy and love, and she was real. I miss her. I do. And today was harder than I tried to let on, because I hate showing emotion like that. I'm just glad my family was there with me. That Aunt Deb was already there with open arms, knowing in a much worse way the pain that came with losing Lexi. There's a song that says Its times like these you learn to live again.... it's times like these you learn to love again. It's so poignant to me in this process. I love my Tatro family, and I have a new appreciation and an even deeper love for them now that I realize they can be taken from me. It almost sounds stupid, like I should have figured that out before. But it's real, and I have learned to love them on a different level than I ever could have. I'm just sorry I had to lose the one person in my life that made me feel like I was more amazing than I know I really am. She had that ability, because she loved with unconditional abandon. So I think the best legacy I can help create for her is to let her memory be the love I share with my family.


Today was hard. But I'm a little more complete now having allowed the reality to be just that. Reality. I miss you Lexi. I wish you were here among the welcoming commitee! I know you would have been the first one to hug me when I walked through the door. I know we'd already have memories that would last me forever. I know you're with us, everyday... but I wish it could be different. I love you.