I have a lot of really great contacts on my facebook and myspace, so you'll see me reference them a lot. This time it's a girl I met in college, who has become an awesome young woman. I really look up to her. Her name is Miranda, and I hope she doesn't mind me writing about her! She always posts these really insightful blurbs on Facebook, and today it was a blog by Beth Moore, and it was about self-loathing. The quote that really caught me was that self-loathing is just another form of self-absorption. This is so true, and it made me realize how selfish it is to do.
I don't want to hate myself, and I guess it's not so much hate as disgust, which is probably more destructive. When I look in the mirror I instantly begin tearing myself down. "Wow, Courtney. You've really let yourself go. Remember when you were beautiful?" I know exactly what to say to make myself feel as bad as possible. "You're going nowhere. Your family is ashamed of your choices. No one wants to hang out with an unwed mother, or furthermore, allow their daughters to be around you. You fail." That is so mean! How can I be so cruel to the only persn I am forever stuck with? I think it took this final insult to bring me to my senses and stop putting myself down. "You are so self-absorbed, Courtney. Get Over Yourself." You know what, inner voice, you are so right. There are far more important things to think about. There are much better things to spend what little energy I have on; like making the changes I need to make.
So today I have a verse to reflect back on when my heart starts to betray me and those finely tuned cogs in my brain start whirring with negativity.
"This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything." 1 John 3:19,20
My heart condemns me a lot, and I often left it defeat me in my progression towards something better. But my God is greater than my heart, and even though I think I'm the one with all the answers He truly does know everything. So my task for the future is to turn to God as soon as those bad thoughts start creeping in. I can set my heart at rest when I start filling with doubt. He believes in me in a stronger, more real way than I can ever believe in Him.
Thanks, Miranda (and Beth Moore)!
P.S. The Beth Moore blog is titled "The Self-Condemnation of a Red Bird" if you want to look it up.
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Oh wow Courtney..... I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face because I am in awe at how our great God touches others. I am so overcome with thankfulness to Him for presenting an opportunity for you to realize things about you that you want to change.
ReplyDeleteIsn't that awesome? He does a work in us to allow us to be transformed into His likeness. I can totally see this "new" path that you are on! Yes, you've been down a hard road babe... but I so admire that you are ready to say "It's time to stop...turn around... and press forward to a better journey." You just don't know how incredibly awesome that is!
Just like the bird in Beth's blog, we peck at ourselves. But the difference is... we will peck and peck until the glass shatters over our souls. Until we are just bloody over things. We will make a wound that is so deep we can't get it to stop bleeding... or worse, we won't even put the guaze over it to give it a chance to stop. I'm guilty of it too. Beth's right. It's sin. It's sin, disguising itself in our minds.
But thanks be to God that He sends something or someone that will let it register within us and allow us to take notice and proceed to make a change. Glory!
I'm so excited for this new journey you're on chica, and I hope you know that you can ALWAYS talk to me about stuff. I'm not one to judge... because I've got issues that drive me absolutely crazy as well. We'll take it to the Father. Always.
Love you.
Thanks, Miranda! You are so awesome, and I'm glad to know you!
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