A Million Racing Thoughts

Forgive me if I overwhelm you with the thoughts I can't seem to control. Apology aside, here they come...

On a light note, school has been in full swing for a couple weeks and it is killing! There is more work than I could conceivably complete (as I sit here typing a blog), but I'm really loving the challenge. I've done well on all of my assignments thus far, but I have a test today and the material is very broad. It hasn't been easy to study for. It's almost like you have to be in the professor's mind to get what he is trying to say... not the best at giving enough information to properly answer the question with confidence. During the quiz I found myself putting in an answer with the thought "Is this what you're talking about?" Nevertheless, I have studied and I hope I do well!

Gavin is doing well in daycare. They really love him! He is one of the favorites of all the ladies. And who could blame them?! I'm glad there's no separation anxienty... well, on his part anyway. I miss him like crazy! My only consolation is that he gets so excited when I come to pick him up. I wonder if he remembers me when I'm not there. I wonder if he has the capacity to think about me and be like "Hey where is that lady?" He doesn't seem to miss me. He is just happy to see me when I show up.

The trip to Vermont and Massachusetts helped quell the feeling of homesickness for about 3 weeks. It's been slowly seeping back in, toward the end of the day or in quiet moments. In a few months it will, again, be all I can think about. It's especially bad around the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas as definitely New England holidays. Nobody does it better! I want to go outside after a big meal, and freeze my butt off while I watch my family playing football or smashing through piles of leaves. I want to see my breath on Halloween! (Although the weather in GA has been very "Fall" lately) I miss the smells of Autumn. I miss the static in my sweaters telling me there's frost on the grass. I miss warming the car up for ten minutes before I dare go out. It's the little things you remember. That's what becomes important when you don't have them...the crunch of snow grinding under your boots, or wet red and yellow leaves along the curbs of every street. I miss picking apples, and then drinking hot cider with donuts to take the chill off. I miss trudging about, careful not to get snow in my shoes. I even miss having skin so dry I look as though I could molt! No, Fall and Winter are just not the same when September feels like May and I'm wearing flipflops in October. I don't even think I own any socks!

Okay so here is the more morbid of my thoughts. Driving back from the daycare this morning Lexi suddenly entered my mind in a sharp and vivid way that made my heart skip for a moment. I have trouble putting into words exactly how clear she was in that instant. It was like watching a home movie. There was no story line, no scene, just her smiling and laughing... and it hurt. But it made me smile through the tears I did not expect to spring forth. I sure do miss that girl. I sure do love her. And I sure wish I could tell her in a more physical way. Only in dreams...
Anyway, then I was spiraled into thought about the rest of my Tatros. I can't lose another one, especially now that I've gotten so much closer. What would I do, I thought, if I got news that Shannon or Erica, Lisa or Desirae had been killed? It made me panic a little to think of such things. I know I shouldn't. I had a sudden sense of urgency to see them all. I did a little facebook stalking, which made me feel better. I just wish I was closer. I can't say it enough.