Spring semester is finally underway. I was beginning to feel useless again, but I am back in class and have returned to my element. I'm taking Comp II with the same great professor I had for Comp I. This time it's a full term class, so it won't be so much work all at one time. My other classes are Computer Science (lame), Music Appreciation (unsure of the level of lame), and Spanish 2001 and 2002. The latter three classes are half term, so there is quite a bit going on. The Spanish is a little over my head, but as my memory jogs with each assignment I see some improvement. I just need to pass with an A, is that so much to ask of myself? I wasn't eligible for Hope Scholarship this semester. My GPA is back up, but I haven't attempted enough credit hours since I lost it. My finaid advisor told me I can get it next semester, which will be awesome!
I am so proud of this next bit of news. Christopher is now enrolled in Darton as well! His major is Health and Physical Education. For those of you that know him, is it not a great career choice for him? He'll get to play all day long! Plus, we might be able to one day get a job at the same school, making life easier. See how we plan? Genius! He will be starting half-time on March 4th, so everyone wish him luck. I think he is a bit nervous.
I have started an event coordinator business. It's unofficial at this point, but I did have my first event last weekend. It was so great. I did a studio/gallery opening for Ana Edwards Photography. She bought a new place, and it is GORGEOUS! Seriously, check it out. It's located on 109 Branchview in Leesburg, GA. The party was a hit, and I met a lot of really great people. I had a blast. Even if I hadn't been the coordinator I probably would have gone and had so much fun. I made some KILLER double lemon cookies. I mean Betty Crocker herself would have been jealous at my mad skills. Anyway, my business is Elegant Events, and I truly am the best. Hire me. Tell your friends. You will not be disappointed. I really should make a facebook for it in order to network a little. Maybe that can happen this weekend. I'm a busy bee!
Gavin is back in daycare. He is now 10 months old and such a big boy! He eats generally what we eat every night. Last night we had sloppy joes and the night before was shepherd's pie. He makes a HUGE mess, but he's learning! Tonight we're having ribeyes and twice baked potatoes so he'll have to eat some Gerber Stage 3 unfortunately... but I'm sure I will sneak him some potato. He has 4 teeth, the bottom middle 2, and now the canines... it's pretty funny. My little vampire man!!! I'll get some pictures up soon. Well, I'm sure there's something else I ought to be doing. Bye for now.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
I dont even know
Sometimes I just need to scream.
This restlessness is killing me.
For once, I'd like to do something for me and not feel guilty.
How can I please everyone while finding my own happiness?
It's proving an impossibility.
How selfish am I? And is it even wrong to feel this way?
My insides are in so many knots I don't know if I could ever untwist them.
Sometimes I just need to scream.
Restlessness. It's killing me.
This restlessness is killing me.
For once, I'd like to do something for me and not feel guilty.
How can I please everyone while finding my own happiness?
It's proving an impossibility.
How selfish am I? And is it even wrong to feel this way?
My insides are in so many knots I don't know if I could ever untwist them.
Sometimes I just need to scream.
Restlessness. It's killing me.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
And so this is Christmas
Okay, so it's technically not Christmas anymore. But this is my Christmas post.
This year was great in ways I didn't expect. I allowed myself to get into the Christmas spirit more than I have in a while. Yes, I know Jesus is the reason for the season. Spare me. There is still something to be said for the romance of Christmas, and I felt it this time around. I enjoyed shopping (which I generally do), but I could not wait for people to open my gifts. I had so much fun decorating the house (or telling Christopher how to decorate, anyway). I baked and wrapped and cooked my way into a sparkling, jingling Christmassy mood.
I got so many great gifts, really couldn't have asked for anything else. It was Gavin's first Christmas and I think that was the best part. Maybe that's why it was so excellent. I'm not sure. I have a little family, and that makes the season brighter.
But of course, I rarely blog because my world is sitting in perfection. No, I blog when something is on my mind. I was scrolling through a million pages of statuses on Facebook and stumbled across pictures from my different families. After being on a yuletide high the last two days I suddenly lost my helium. My heart aches in longing for the other people I used to share my life with. I miss the people I grew up with around this time more than any other. Sometimes it hits me that they are having the time of their lives without a second thought toward my absence. As much as they might deny it, I know it's true. Anyway, its the one dark spot during this festive time of year. I miss. It hurts. It's the Tatros, the Lavertues, the Snyders, and all my friends. I can't help but be sad and feel like something is missing.
Maybe we can all move to a middle-ground. Virginia maybe.
This year was great in ways I didn't expect. I allowed myself to get into the Christmas spirit more than I have in a while. Yes, I know Jesus is the reason for the season. Spare me. There is still something to be said for the romance of Christmas, and I felt it this time around. I enjoyed shopping (which I generally do), but I could not wait for people to open my gifts. I had so much fun decorating the house (or telling Christopher how to decorate, anyway). I baked and wrapped and cooked my way into a sparkling, jingling Christmassy mood.
I got so many great gifts, really couldn't have asked for anything else. It was Gavin's first Christmas and I think that was the best part. Maybe that's why it was so excellent. I'm not sure. I have a little family, and that makes the season brighter.
But of course, I rarely blog because my world is sitting in perfection. No, I blog when something is on my mind. I was scrolling through a million pages of statuses on Facebook and stumbled across pictures from my different families. After being on a yuletide high the last two days I suddenly lost my helium. My heart aches in longing for the other people I used to share my life with. I miss the people I grew up with around this time more than any other. Sometimes it hits me that they are having the time of their lives without a second thought toward my absence. As much as they might deny it, I know it's true. Anyway, its the one dark spot during this festive time of year. I miss. It hurts. It's the Tatros, the Lavertues, the Snyders, and all my friends. I can't help but be sad and feel like something is missing.
Maybe we can all move to a middle-ground. Virginia maybe.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Schoooool's out for... winter...
I successfully completed a semester of college! That may not sound very exciting, or like a huge accomplishment, but I am still proud. Especially considering I have been in college a totally of 2 years and have only just now finished my 2nd semester. On top of that, my lowest grade was a 96. Yes, I am awesome. Go on, you can say so.
Next semester will definitely be a challenge. I have 5 classes, 3 of which are accelerated. I know I can do it though. If I can get through finals week with a crazy baby I can get through a regular week.
Christmas is approaching, and I must say I have done an excellent job with my shopping. I am just about done. I have like two or three people left, including Christopher. I already know what I am getting everyone though. Despite my usual blue hue around the holidays, I am getting into the spirit a little more than usual. I even discovered a homemade gift I plan to give everyone.
It's called snowman soup. Feel free to steal this idea! Just give me the credit for the poem.
Just take a little plastic baggie and fill with either one packet of hot cocoa mix or enough scoops from a big container to make one cup. Add mini marshmallows or 3 big ones, a few chocolate chips, and bits of candycane or just a peppermint stick poking out of the top of the bag. Then twist tie and decorate with ribbons. Attach the poem with the ribbon and viola! Instant gift. I'm also tying chocolate dipped spoons to mine. Here is the poem. I made it red and green and picked a cute font.
Here’s a little secret, the North Pole inside scoop:
When snowmen become naughty they make them into soup.
Now, don’t feel sad and don’t you pout. These snowmen were quite scummy.
So just enjoy this holiday treat. It’s sure to warm the tummy.
Just boil some water (8-10 oz), mix in their parts, along with the chocolate broth.
Then stir it all up, drink it right down, and enjoy the marshmallow froth.
But remember, the next time you start misbehaving, this tasty snowman stew…
‘Cause Santa is watching your every move, and next year the soup could be you!
Next semester will definitely be a challenge. I have 5 classes, 3 of which are accelerated. I know I can do it though. If I can get through finals week with a crazy baby I can get through a regular week.
Christmas is approaching, and I must say I have done an excellent job with my shopping. I am just about done. I have like two or three people left, including Christopher. I already know what I am getting everyone though. Despite my usual blue hue around the holidays, I am getting into the spirit a little more than usual. I even discovered a homemade gift I plan to give everyone.
It's called snowman soup. Feel free to steal this idea! Just give me the credit for the poem.
Just take a little plastic baggie and fill with either one packet of hot cocoa mix or enough scoops from a big container to make one cup. Add mini marshmallows or 3 big ones, a few chocolate chips, and bits of candycane or just a peppermint stick poking out of the top of the bag. Then twist tie and decorate with ribbons. Attach the poem with the ribbon and viola! Instant gift. I'm also tying chocolate dipped spoons to mine. Here is the poem. I made it red and green and picked a cute font.
Here’s a little secret, the North Pole inside scoop:
When snowmen become naughty they make them into soup.
Now, don’t feel sad and don’t you pout. These snowmen were quite scummy.
So just enjoy this holiday treat. It’s sure to warm the tummy.
Just boil some water (8-10 oz), mix in their parts, along with the chocolate broth.
Then stir it all up, drink it right down, and enjoy the marshmallow froth.
But remember, the next time you start misbehaving, this tasty snowman stew…
‘Cause Santa is watching your every move, and next year the soup could be you!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Am I so strong?
I can't understand a person that stays in a relationship with someone so beneath them. I know two very amazing people, like top ten faves, that are with these awful, leeching idiots who don't even deserve to know these people , let along be romantically (or whatever) involved with them. These people that I love pour their devotion into a relationship with a disgusting, lowly scum of a person.... and I am just confused.
Someone please explain to me how someone can allow himself to be brought to the very bottom of dispair and self-loathing by someone who is suppose to love him, when I know that he is one of the most amazing people on earth? How can you let someone do this to you? Wasn't there a point along the way where you could have said, "Wait, I deserve better than this"? Is there ever a time that you think that maybe it's NOT you? Why don't you think you deserve happiness? I can't understand. Most women would give anything to meet a man like you, and here you are with a woman who takes your charm and genius for granted. She does not appreciate you. She does not deserve your love. I see her in public, and I apologize, but I can barely look at her. It takes so much for me to be friendly, when all I want to do is grab her by the shoulders and shake her while screaming, "YOU ARE SO LUCKY!" The unwaivering devotion she receives is something that women look for their whole lives, and most never find it. She is supposed to get excited when you come home, and lose her breath a little when you call. She is supposed to fall into your embrace after a bad day, and run to you when anything exciting, happy, sad, scary, or fun happens. She is supposed to thank God for you every night before she sleeps. These are the things you deserve. These are the things that we all deserve (only I'd like mine from a man please!). See through your self-hatred, and realize that YOU are the prize to be won!
Then there is this beautiful, intelligent, loving woman I know. And here she is, caught up with a troll not worth the time of a disease-ridden dog to stop and piss upon. If I have ever come close to hating someone, it's this guy. During extremely rough times in my life this girl has been there. In fact, she's been the one constant friend I have had since I met her in elementary school. I love her with all my heart. I would kill for her, and he should be scared. He disgusts me in ways I can not even describe. My vocabulary just isn't big enough to find a word to explain it. My nostrils flare and my jaw clenches just thinking about this waste of life. My friend is so wonderful, and apparently she doesn't know it... because how can someone so strong and smart think that they deserve to be with a 4 foot tall, ugly, stupid alcoholic that thinks it's okay to lay a hand on a woman in anger? Please, tell me how it's possible? He is not worthy to clean the toilet with his tongue after she's used it to rid herself of a day-old bean burrito. People like him should be drug into the streets and publicly flogged with a splintering, moldy 2x4.
I just can't figure it out. It makes my head spin so hard and fast that my words are getting lost. Seriously, this blog sounds like it was written by a half-wit middle schooler. I want to march right into these people's lives and clean out the wretchedness, by any means necessary. I want them to know how great they are and how much happier they could be without these cancerous relationships. I want to save them. Maybe they are the ones that need the shaking and the screaming. Maybe there is no helping them at all. I'm frustrated.
Someone please explain to me how someone can allow himself to be brought to the very bottom of dispair and self-loathing by someone who is suppose to love him, when I know that he is one of the most amazing people on earth? How can you let someone do this to you? Wasn't there a point along the way where you could have said, "Wait, I deserve better than this"? Is there ever a time that you think that maybe it's NOT you? Why don't you think you deserve happiness? I can't understand. Most women would give anything to meet a man like you, and here you are with a woman who takes your charm and genius for granted. She does not appreciate you. She does not deserve your love. I see her in public, and I apologize, but I can barely look at her. It takes so much for me to be friendly, when all I want to do is grab her by the shoulders and shake her while screaming, "YOU ARE SO LUCKY!" The unwaivering devotion she receives is something that women look for their whole lives, and most never find it. She is supposed to get excited when you come home, and lose her breath a little when you call. She is supposed to fall into your embrace after a bad day, and run to you when anything exciting, happy, sad, scary, or fun happens. She is supposed to thank God for you every night before she sleeps. These are the things you deserve. These are the things that we all deserve (only I'd like mine from a man please!). See through your self-hatred, and realize that YOU are the prize to be won!
Then there is this beautiful, intelligent, loving woman I know. And here she is, caught up with a troll not worth the time of a disease-ridden dog to stop and piss upon. If I have ever come close to hating someone, it's this guy. During extremely rough times in my life this girl has been there. In fact, she's been the one constant friend I have had since I met her in elementary school. I love her with all my heart. I would kill for her, and he should be scared. He disgusts me in ways I can not even describe. My vocabulary just isn't big enough to find a word to explain it. My nostrils flare and my jaw clenches just thinking about this waste of life. My friend is so wonderful, and apparently she doesn't know it... because how can someone so strong and smart think that they deserve to be with a 4 foot tall, ugly, stupid alcoholic that thinks it's okay to lay a hand on a woman in anger? Please, tell me how it's possible? He is not worthy to clean the toilet with his tongue after she's used it to rid herself of a day-old bean burrito. People like him should be drug into the streets and publicly flogged with a splintering, moldy 2x4.
I just can't figure it out. It makes my head spin so hard and fast that my words are getting lost. Seriously, this blog sounds like it was written by a half-wit middle schooler. I want to march right into these people's lives and clean out the wretchedness, by any means necessary. I want them to know how great they are and how much happier they could be without these cancerous relationships. I want to save them. Maybe they are the ones that need the shaking and the screaming. Maybe there is no helping them at all. I'm frustrated.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Still so many issues
I'm sitting here watching the locator at 24 years old and crying like the confused little girl I still am. This daughter wanted to reconnect with her father, and he reminds me of mine. Scratch that, the situation reminds me of mine. I don't want to get into it all again, but I have to get it out, and my blog is where I do it!
I can't explain the episode without sounding accusatory, and I really want to be past that point. It just really hit me listening to this man recount his relationship to Troy (the host). He doesn't own that he wasn't there. It's obviously a defense mechanism, but he has told himself so many other stories over the years that he doesn't know what is what anymore. Finally, after listening to him pass the buck and place the responsibility on his daughter to continue the relationship after minimal effort on his part Troy lets into him.
It has been a while since I tried to have a serious conversation with my father. It's easier on both of us if I just leave it alone. But in my mind it is never left alone. Troy said, "I don't know about this. He blames everyone else, and doesn't own his leaving." Own it. That's all it would take. I think. I want to believe this. He went on to say, "I don't want to be a jerk, but someone needs to be honest with you. You need to take ownership of the fact that you weren't there and stop placing the blame on other people and situations. You need to keep your opinions of what happened back then because these people are still in her life and she loves them. They have been there for her. You will say so much with 5 words - I love you, I'm sorry." This line was my undoing.
That is all I have ever wanted, not a recounting of events nor a book of excuses. I just want my pain to be validated. I want to know that he knows he messed up, and that he is sorry... not for the missed years or the lost time, but actually sorry for not wanting me... for not being there or making any gesture to try to be for so long. Ownership. I know there were choices to be made and complicated circumstances, but why didn't his love transcend all that? It should have. Troy said, "As a parent you should have set aside your dreams for your daughter, but it seems you set your daughter aside for your dreams." YES! Someone that understands!
Why can't I just let it go? It would be so much easier. I thought I had until this stupid WE tv show stirred it all up. I can't just accept it the way it is, but I do for my son. I don't want to deny him the relationship with my father the way I was denied it. I want to rise above my own bitterness. Why is it so difficult? People who don't know how it feels tell me all the time to get over it, work on the present. You don't get it. It hurts so bad. Every relationship I have had has been affected. Every rejection has hurt that much worse. Honestly, I disgust myself. I know that I shouldn't put so much stock into this, but I can't help it.
I'm so angry... and sad.... and heartbroken... and I now know that the hurt will never go away. I keep thinking that if I hear him say, "I'm sorry. I messed up. I didn't want you, because my life would have been way more difficult than I could have handled." without any 'but' or 'however' attached that every painful wound will magically heal. It won't. What to do?
Stop crying, little girl. Stop basing your worth on one man's rejection. Stop feeling like his opinion matters so much more than the hundreds that loved you your whole childhood. Easy to say. Impossible to do.
She told him, "You don't know how much it's hurt". He said, "Yes, I do." No. No, you do not. You can never know.
I can't explain the episode without sounding accusatory, and I really want to be past that point. It just really hit me listening to this man recount his relationship to Troy (the host). He doesn't own that he wasn't there. It's obviously a defense mechanism, but he has told himself so many other stories over the years that he doesn't know what is what anymore. Finally, after listening to him pass the buck and place the responsibility on his daughter to continue the relationship after minimal effort on his part Troy lets into him.
It has been a while since I tried to have a serious conversation with my father. It's easier on both of us if I just leave it alone. But in my mind it is never left alone. Troy said, "I don't know about this. He blames everyone else, and doesn't own his leaving." Own it. That's all it would take. I think. I want to believe this. He went on to say, "I don't want to be a jerk, but someone needs to be honest with you. You need to take ownership of the fact that you weren't there and stop placing the blame on other people and situations. You need to keep your opinions of what happened back then because these people are still in her life and she loves them. They have been there for her. You will say so much with 5 words - I love you, I'm sorry." This line was my undoing.
That is all I have ever wanted, not a recounting of events nor a book of excuses. I just want my pain to be validated. I want to know that he knows he messed up, and that he is sorry... not for the missed years or the lost time, but actually sorry for not wanting me... for not being there or making any gesture to try to be for so long. Ownership. I know there were choices to be made and complicated circumstances, but why didn't his love transcend all that? It should have. Troy said, "As a parent you should have set aside your dreams for your daughter, but it seems you set your daughter aside for your dreams." YES! Someone that understands!
Why can't I just let it go? It would be so much easier. I thought I had until this stupid WE tv show stirred it all up. I can't just accept it the way it is, but I do for my son. I don't want to deny him the relationship with my father the way I was denied it. I want to rise above my own bitterness. Why is it so difficult? People who don't know how it feels tell me all the time to get over it, work on the present. You don't get it. It hurts so bad. Every relationship I have had has been affected. Every rejection has hurt that much worse. Honestly, I disgust myself. I know that I shouldn't put so much stock into this, but I can't help it.
I'm so angry... and sad.... and heartbroken... and I now know that the hurt will never go away. I keep thinking that if I hear him say, "I'm sorry. I messed up. I didn't want you, because my life would have been way more difficult than I could have handled." without any 'but' or 'however' attached that every painful wound will magically heal. It won't. What to do?
Stop crying, little girl. Stop basing your worth on one man's rejection. Stop feeling like his opinion matters so much more than the hundreds that loved you your whole childhood. Easy to say. Impossible to do.
She told him, "You don't know how much it's hurt". He said, "Yes, I do." No. No, you do not. You can never know.
Friday, November 20, 2009
So much catching up
I'm not one of those people who finds some kind of spirituality in the rising sun, but this morning I found a simple serenity in the changing colors on the horizon. Today, looking at the light spreading upward as I drove back home, I realized that everything is right in my world. What a wonderful epiphany! I have gotten so used to being my normal brooding, angsty self that I completely missed the transition from wanting more to having it. Today is an awesome day, and I am thanking the Lord profusely for all that I have (and begging forgiveness for not doing so sooner).
School is winding down for the semester, and I am truly in my element. I LOVE learning. My favorite class is English, of course. My professor is an awesome person, and I feel an almost kindred connection, though we have never met. Allow me to swallow my pride for a moment with a nod to my mother; I have actually become a better writer in taking this course. She is always nagging me, saying that if I do not feed my talent it will not grow. OKAY MOM! You were right! (As usual...Whatever).
I also find myself reallly enjoying my Environmental Science course. I think it's turning me into a tree-hugger. I am wasting less water, shutting lights, and even made Christopher buy the eco-friendlier dishwasher detergent. Oh yes, Mother Nature and I are becoming fast friends! I have all A's right now in all my classes, 94 and better. Who knew I was such a freakin' genius? (Oh wait, I totally did.) Perhaps I should work on my humilty... then again, being so awesome negates the need to be humble.
Let's see... what else is new? Gavin was a frog for Halloween and I was a cat. Turns out, my costume was pretty slutty looking. I did not intend for this to happen. Apparently, a black tank top and big boobs coupled with kitty ears and a tail just screams skank. However, I did not leave the house, so it was acceptable. Gavin was so cute I coud barely stand it. I'd post a picture, but they're on my facebook. Go look.
I got a GIGANITIC tattoo. Right? So uncharacteristic of the Courtney, but I did it. It is located in the middle of my shoulder blades, a HUGENORMOUS ornate cross that I designed with the help of the tattoo artist. On one side it says "Lexi", and on the other "HRL" for my grandfather. Morbidly, I plan to fill in other names and initials along the border as my loved ones leave me. It's the only way I know to grieve, to feel some physical pain... that may not be healthy. Perhaps I should be evaluated...
I turned 24 on November 10th. Normally, I'm pretty excited when my birthday rolls around. After all, it's a day dedicated to me. Being an attention whore, I really can't ask for much more. Unfortunately, this year I was just painfully reminded of how I used to have a lot of friends, and now I don't. I know it is in part to my having a child. Most of my friends are still living it up, irresponsible style. And while they love to come squeeze my chunky lil man every so often, it is no longer Courtney that they call on Friday nights.... or any night for that matter. While this is a large blow to the ego for someone who, a short time ago, fully believed the world was spinning solely for her, I understand. Still hurts though. Anyway, about a year ago I weeded out all those crappy, fair-weather friends and on November 10th I remembered why. I do not have time for people who do not have time for me. I will not waste my already taxed energy supply on those who will not give any of themselves to me. Forget it. Call me a bitch, snob, pretentious, self-absorbed. I am these things on the surface... but I am also a good and loyal friend. And you people know this. And now you will also know that you don't deserve this unconditional love, so since I can't take it back I will just distance myself and love you from afar. So there!
Thanksgiving is less than a week away, and so begins my winter blues. Thankfully, it's been pretty chilly here, so I can pretend I'm at home if I close my eyes. It doesn't even smell the same, though. You know that fall smell, the leaves and the crisp air... yeah, we don't get that here. The leaves turn brown, not red and yellow. I'm going to get emotional if I think about it much longer. How I miss my Robert Frost-inspiring New England Autumns and Winters. Holidays are always hard when family is so far away. What is it about New England that gets into your soul? It's just in me. It's such a huge part of who I am. I'm a regionist! (Like a racist, but weirder) Seriously... I am so off.
Well, I guess that's the long and short of it... mostly long. I can't think of much else exciting in my usually dull life. Things are good. I am happy. OH! We got our pictures done. I'll post the links so you can see. The second link is Gavin's Christmas pictures. It was for some store called Oh My! Kiddie Kouture. The woman had a huge store full of girls' clothes and like 4 items of boys clothes, nothing Christmas.... but he is still super cute. You'll have to weed through the little girls before him. He is on like page 15 and on, all mixed in. K, go look! Ana Edwards is SO amazing. Employ her for all your picture-y needs. This is the third time we've used her. Woman is a genius. (And she is a wonderful person)
Our family pictures
Christmas Themed
School is winding down for the semester, and I am truly in my element. I LOVE learning. My favorite class is English, of course. My professor is an awesome person, and I feel an almost kindred connection, though we have never met. Allow me to swallow my pride for a moment with a nod to my mother; I have actually become a better writer in taking this course. She is always nagging me, saying that if I do not feed my talent it will not grow. OKAY MOM! You were right! (As usual...Whatever).
I also find myself reallly enjoying my Environmental Science course. I think it's turning me into a tree-hugger. I am wasting less water, shutting lights, and even made Christopher buy the eco-friendlier dishwasher detergent. Oh yes, Mother Nature and I are becoming fast friends! I have all A's right now in all my classes, 94 and better. Who knew I was such a freakin' genius? (Oh wait, I totally did.) Perhaps I should work on my humilty... then again, being so awesome negates the need to be humble.
Let's see... what else is new? Gavin was a frog for Halloween and I was a cat. Turns out, my costume was pretty slutty looking. I did not intend for this to happen. Apparently, a black tank top and big boobs coupled with kitty ears and a tail just screams skank. However, I did not leave the house, so it was acceptable. Gavin was so cute I coud barely stand it. I'd post a picture, but they're on my facebook. Go look.
I got a GIGANITIC tattoo. Right? So uncharacteristic of the Courtney, but I did it. It is located in the middle of my shoulder blades, a HUGENORMOUS ornate cross that I designed with the help of the tattoo artist. On one side it says "Lexi", and on the other "HRL" for my grandfather. Morbidly, I plan to fill in other names and initials along the border as my loved ones leave me. It's the only way I know to grieve, to feel some physical pain... that may not be healthy. Perhaps I should be evaluated...
I turned 24 on November 10th. Normally, I'm pretty excited when my birthday rolls around. After all, it's a day dedicated to me. Being an attention whore, I really can't ask for much more. Unfortunately, this year I was just painfully reminded of how I used to have a lot of friends, and now I don't. I know it is in part to my having a child. Most of my friends are still living it up, irresponsible style. And while they love to come squeeze my chunky lil man every so often, it is no longer Courtney that they call on Friday nights.... or any night for that matter. While this is a large blow to the ego for someone who, a short time ago, fully believed the world was spinning solely for her, I understand. Still hurts though. Anyway, about a year ago I weeded out all those crappy, fair-weather friends and on November 10th I remembered why. I do not have time for people who do not have time for me. I will not waste my already taxed energy supply on those who will not give any of themselves to me. Forget it. Call me a bitch, snob, pretentious, self-absorbed. I am these things on the surface... but I am also a good and loyal friend. And you people know this. And now you will also know that you don't deserve this unconditional love, so since I can't take it back I will just distance myself and love you from afar. So there!
Thanksgiving is less than a week away, and so begins my winter blues. Thankfully, it's been pretty chilly here, so I can pretend I'm at home if I close my eyes. It doesn't even smell the same, though. You know that fall smell, the leaves and the crisp air... yeah, we don't get that here. The leaves turn brown, not red and yellow. I'm going to get emotional if I think about it much longer. How I miss my Robert Frost-inspiring New England Autumns and Winters. Holidays are always hard when family is so far away. What is it about New England that gets into your soul? It's just in me. It's such a huge part of who I am. I'm a regionist! (Like a racist, but weirder) Seriously... I am so off.
Well, I guess that's the long and short of it... mostly long. I can't think of much else exciting in my usually dull life. Things are good. I am happy. OH! We got our pictures done. I'll post the links so you can see. The second link is Gavin's Christmas pictures. It was for some store called Oh My! Kiddie Kouture. The woman had a huge store full of girls' clothes and like 4 items of boys clothes, nothing Christmas.... but he is still super cute. You'll have to weed through the little girls before him. He is on like page 15 and on, all mixed in. K, go look! Ana Edwards is SO amazing. Employ her for all your picture-y needs. This is the third time we've used her. Woman is a genius. (And she is a wonderful person)
Our family pictures
Christmas Themed
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