Still so many issues

I'm sitting here watching the locator at 24 years old and crying like the confused little girl I still am. This daughter wanted to reconnect with her father, and he reminds me of mine. Scratch that, the situation reminds me of mine. I don't want to get into it all again, but I have to get it out, and my blog is where I do it!
I can't explain the episode without sounding accusatory, and I really want to be past that point. It just really hit me listening to this man recount his relationship to Troy (the host). He doesn't own that he wasn't there. It's obviously a defense mechanism, but he has told himself so many other stories over the years that he doesn't know what is what anymore. Finally, after listening to him pass the buck and place the responsibility on his daughter to continue the relationship after minimal effort on his part Troy lets into him.
It has been a while since I tried to have a serious conversation with my father. It's easier on both of us if I just leave it alone. But in my mind it is never left alone. Troy said, "I don't know about this. He blames everyone else, and doesn't own his leaving." Own it. That's all it would take. I think. I want to believe this. He went on to say, "I don't want to be a jerk, but someone needs to be honest with you. You need to take ownership of the fact that you weren't there and stop placing the blame on other people and situations. You need to keep your opinions of what happened back then because these people are still in her life and she loves them. They have been there for her. You will say so much with 5 words - I love you, I'm sorry." This line was my undoing.

That is all I have ever wanted, not a recounting of events nor a book of excuses. I just want my pain to be validated. I want to know that he knows he messed up, and that he is sorry... not for the missed years or the lost time, but actually sorry for not wanting me... for not being there or making any gesture to try to be for so long. Ownership. I know there were choices to be made and complicated circumstances, but why didn't his love transcend all that? It should have. Troy said, "As a parent you should have set aside your dreams for your daughter, but it seems you set your daughter aside for your dreams." YES! Someone that understands!

Why can't I just let it go? It would be so much easier. I thought I had until this stupid WE tv show stirred it all up. I can't just accept it the way it is, but I do for my son. I don't want to deny him the relationship with my father the way I was denied it. I want to rise above my own bitterness. Why is it so difficult? People who don't know how it feels tell me all the time to get over it, work on the present. You don't get it. It hurts so bad. Every relationship I have had has been affected. Every rejection has hurt that much worse. Honestly, I disgust myself. I know that I shouldn't put so much stock into this, but I can't help it.

I'm so angry... and sad.... and heartbroken... and I now know that the hurt will never go away. I keep thinking that if I hear him say, "I'm sorry. I messed up. I didn't want you, because my life would have been way more difficult than I could have handled." without any 'but' or 'however' attached that every painful wound will magically heal. It won't. What to do?
Stop crying, little girl. Stop basing your worth on one man's rejection. Stop feeling like his opinion matters so much more than the hundreds that loved you your whole childhood. Easy to say. Impossible to do.
She told him, "You don't know how much it's hurt". He said, "Yes, I do." No. No, you do not. You can never know.